"Can ye feel so now?"

I started this blog to document my thoughts after 10 years of being a member
of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
Last year, 2014, was my 10 year anniversary.
Each year, in August, I reflect on what I’ve learned and felt.
It has been the most rewarding time of my life, these first 10 years.
But then something happened.
My 11^th year was different.

I felt like my first 10 years of being a Latter-Day Saint have been incredible.
I’ve learned, seen, experienced, and enjoyed so much!
This past year was not like that.
It was almost like…a famine.
I went from feeling this incredible sense of purpose and love for the gospel of Jesus Christ
to nothing.

Nothing.

My habits were the same,
my heart was the same,
my thinking was the same or similar to the past.

But I felt nothing.

What happened?
Was I different? Was it the gospel? Was it my life?
Not really.
I just felt really empty.

Let me back up a second:
What should I be feeling instead of nothing?
What fills the emptiness?

Alright, stay with me while I do my best to break this down.
I’m missing a certain…sense.
I’m missing the feeling(s) that come from the Spirit.
The Holy Ghost.
“What does the Holy Ghost feel like?”
I’m glad you asked!
Let me explain how I personally feel it (it can be felt in many ways)

I have a great sense of love.
I feel that love for others and I also feel it for myself.
I feel a desire or an urgency to do good.
I feel comfort.
I feel peace.
I actually feel a sense of hunger for these good feelings.
I feel an urgency for more.
More loved, more peaceful, more goodness!

So, I have felt ALL of these things before.
Sometimes, simultaneously.
“Well, how do you get these great, fulfilling feelings?”
Another great question!

This is how I typically feel these things:
Through Praying.
Reading Scriptures.
Helping someone in need.
Spending time with my family.
Studying the inspired words of leaders.
A HUGE one for me is through music.
Righteous music touches my heart in a way that almost pierces me.
This is one of the most reliable, easily accessible ways for me to feel the Holy Ghost.

I have continued to do ALL of these things.
I would pray and read scriptures almost daily.
I studied the words of church leaders and the Prophet constantly.
I was reaching out and serving others as best as possible!
I would sing or listen to hymns while I did the dishes or cleaning the house.
I was seeking out goodness all around me.
I was doing it.
And I was empty.
Where was the peace?
Where did it go?
It was just here
and now, it’s nowhere. I can’t find it.

I know I’ve felt it.
I’ve been promised by Heavenly Father through being baptized
that I can “always have the spirit to be with me”.
I was keeping up my end of the bargain.
I was keeping the commandments and trying to be good.
Where is the Spirit? Where is he?
I’m doing ALL these things to feel his presence.
And he isn’t there.
I feel nothingness in a space that was once filled,
overflowing with love, peace, gratitude, goodness.
I was still doing goodness but didn’t feel good.
I felt nothing.

Well, things change.
They always do.

The first Sunday of each month is our “Testimony Meeting”.
This is where the local leaders open up the first hour of church to those in the congregation to come and share some of their beliefs or what they know to be true
about the gospel of Jesus Christ.
You stand up, walk to the pulpit, introduce yourself and say
“I’d like to bear my testimony that I believe/know such and such”

This last testimony meeting, I felt something.
I felt compelled to go and share my testimony.
What I knew to be true.
I’ve shared my testimony before and I often feel those same Spiritual feelings when I do it.
The love, peace, comfort
But I hadn’t felt anything spiritual in a while.
For an entire year!
What could I possibly say to my Brothers and Sisters
about what I knew to be true?
I didn’t feel anything.
What did I know?
What did I believe right in that moment the Spirit said, “Stand”?

Let me tell you, I didn’t know what I was going to say.
But I got up, walked to the pulpit, lowered the microphone, and began to speak.
Here is a rundown of what I shared in that meeting.
I don’t remember perfectly but I’ll do my best.

“11 years ago, I was baptized a member of the church. Around this time of year, I like to reflect on my baptism. The first ten years have been amazing. I have learned so much about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and their love for us. I have had the companionship of the Holy Ghost. I love having the Holy Ghost. I have been strengthened, comforted and learned so much! I couldn’t get enough of the gospel!  It has been a truly incredible 10 years of my life.

This past year, my eleventh year, has been really different for me. I’m still reading my scriptures and saying my prayers but I haven’t felt the Holy Ghost. Something that came so easily to me I have felt only a few times this entire year. I have to say, I’m really struggling with this. I’m doing all the right things but I don’t feel the Spirit. It has been really hard.

So, I’ve had to rely on what I already know. I know that Jesus Christ is our Savior. I know that The Book of Mormon is the word of God. I know that even though this year has been hard for me, I pray and know that it will get better. But right now, Heavenly Father is trying to teach me to appreciate what I know. He wants to show me what it’s like not having the Spirit so I can truly hunger and seek to have it with me always. I know that this is the gospel of Jesus Christ and that it will get better. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

I was surprised and humbled
because these were not things I had ever thought of before.
When I stood up and shared what I did know, Heavenly Father taught me something.
He taught me that the purpose to this “spiritual famine”
was so I could truly prize the tender feelings of the Spirit.
That I wouldn’t treat them so casually.
These feelings are loving, peaceful, humbling, inspiring and good.

Since I got up that day, it has been better for me.
I have felt the Holy Ghost in my life more.
And I feel such peace and comfort when it is with me.
It is dear to me.
It is precious to me.
I don’t think I will ever take for granted this sacred gift.

There is a scripture I thought of often this year in Alma 5:22 that says,

“If ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?”

Can ye feel so now?
I will never forget what I felt this year
and I will never forget this sacred gift and experience.