Back in 2004

12 years ago, I was baptized
into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I think back on being 14 years old,
meeting with the missionaries
and I think, “What 14-year-old finds God?”
Well, I’m sure many do.
Some kids probably even find Him sooner.
I’m just special I guess.

I think about the lessons with the Missionaries
and when they told me certain stories,
like the story of a boy named Joseph Smith
who was 14 years old and saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  
They would pause to wait for me to question the events
and I would just sit and wait for them to tell me the rest of the story
because I already knew it was true.

I think back on my baptism day
when I was told it would be very cold
because the hot water wasn’t working
And when I stepped into the water, it was warm.
The Sisters in the ward had boiled dozens of pots of water
so I wouldn’t be cold.

I think back about certain trials and heartaches that happened after I was baptized.
I lost my best friend. I lost all my friends.
Specific members of my family criticized me for being a Mormon.
They were very mean about it and not shy about sharing their anger.
I felt like the other kids at church didn’t like me and I sat alone on Sundays.
I remember going to girls camp and feeling completely alone,
because I didn’t have any friends.
I didn’t have friends or parents to go with me, to help me adjust and feel okay.
It was just me.
It was just me and prayers.

Even though that time was difficult, I would never trade those trials away
because it brought me closer to the Savior.
I leaned on Him and drew near to Him
because I felt like there was no one else to help me.
I prayed often.
I had faith that He would help me feel better.
Maybe I wouldn’t have friends but I was satisfied with my choice
And I was sticking to it.

Those trials became easier to bear.
Yes, I lost my friends but I was patient and prayed for new ones.
Eventually, I made new friends that were supportive of me.
My family stopped being so mean about the church
and accepted that it was a part of my life.
The kids at church still didn’t like me.
Literally, they did not like me at all.
I was told later on, after we were friends,
that they thought I was some fake goody-too-shoes.
But I was just me. Once they learned that, they eventually accepted me.
And I didn’t have to sit alone anymore.
I remember going to girl’s camp and meeting one of the greatest friends of my life.
I still think fondly of her this day and try to stay in touch with her.
She’s a “reacher” or one who reaches out to touch and help others.
I want to be like her when I grow up.

Church would still feel lonely but I did make friends
who let me sit with them and their families.
When I went to college, I had roommates to go with
who became marvelous friends.
And then when I was married, I was so happy
because now I had a family to go with to church.
He had the same conviction and commitment to the Lord as I had.
I had someone who was happy to go,
Who felt grateful to have it in His life.
I needed someone motivated to do what he put his mind to.
Someone determined to do what was right.
I found that and so many more wonderful qualities in Caleb.

Now, we have three daughters and we go to church each Sunday.
In just over a year, my oldest will be baptized
and I feel so humbled that she can have this in her life
because it is the greatest gift I could possibly give to her and my children.
That gift is to be together forever as a family,
to learn about the Savior,
to do what is right.

Thank you friends who helped introduce me to the gospel.
Thank you Elders for teaching me the lessons.
Thank you parents for allowing me to be baptized.
Thank you mom for challenging me to read
The Book of Mormon before I was baptized.
It has become the pattern of my life to learn from it's teachings.
Thank you Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for preparing the way for me.
The way you've given me has been difficult and incredibly beautiful.

I quit

I've been thinking for a while
that I should quit facebook.
Facebook is such a love/hate relationship.
I LOVE seeing my friends!
I HATE sifting through all the junk to get there.
I spend a lot of time on facebook.
and ever single time I get off the computer, I think "Man, what a waste of time".

I've read a few studies about how checking facebook leaves people feeling more depressed than before. Even though facebook is supposed to help us feel more connected to the people around us, it often causes the opposite to occur. We feel more isolated.

This makes sense because people typically post the happiest, best pictures of themselves and their families. If people post the real nitty gritty hard-times stuff, their friends may lose interest.
SO if i'm only seeing someone's very best and i'm comparing it to the harsh, honest life I live,
I tend to feel like crap.

I also noticed something about myself.
I didn't care about who was liking or responding to my posts.
I cared about how many people did.
I didn't like that.
When I think of my friends, I want to think of the people I want to talk to or hang out with or get some lunch with.
I don't imagine all 400 facebook friends are my friends.
I imagine most as acquaintances and a few good friends.
If I really want to connect with my good friends, surely there's a better way than facebook.

And there is.
It's called a phone.
It's called email.
It's called a Christmas card.
Even TEXTING a friend feels more connected.
Because it's one-on-one.

My last post on facebook was about how I was deleting it. Here's some of what I said:

"The older my kids get, the more I realize I sure waste a lot of time. And I love all you great people but I don't care for all the forwarded stuff. The videos, recipes, "type amen" stuff, people who DESTROYED THIS OTHER PERSON WITH A COMEBACK. I really don't care. It's sucking away my time. There's so much good stuff that is getting in the way of the great stuff that I love."

The best part about deleting facebook was probably the replies I got about it.
People's comments just solidified the decision I had made.
People said things like, "Good for you! Amen! I don't even like facebook".

So if we all feel this way, why are we still on facebook?
Not me. I need to get it out of my life.

It's been 1 day since I deleted it.
And I've noticed an immediate change.
I already feel better.

I feel like...this forces me to work on my friendships.
Maybe others wouldn't like this feeling.
But if the only way to talk to my friends is to talk with them individually, then it forces me to really think about how i'm spending my time. Who do I WANT to talk to? WHEN can I find a time to do that?

Even if this experiment means I end up with like 5 good friends, maybe that's enough for me.
Maybe i'll be happier spending time with a few good people instead of watching another video about a dessert recipe.
Or reading different articles about the election.
Or how vaccines are actually terrible (Which is utterly bogus. They are incredible).

In the end, this is what it comes down to:
I'm trading facebook for fewer, better friendships.
I hope the experiment works.

Make me Whole

When I became a mother, I thought my life would feel...complete.Or it would feel more fulfilling.
I'm not sure why I expected this
but I had always assumed that becoming a mother would leave me feeling whole.

And I could not have been more wrong.


I love my children.
They are wonderful! Great kids who try their best.
They try to be kind. They are friendly. They are hard workers!
I am constantly impressed and amazed by them!
And I am constantly heartbroken.
Not as much by their actions but by my reactions.
When I yell at them or scold them or misunderstand them, I am sad.
I am not as patient, or as loving and kind as I thought I would be.
And I'm disappointed in me.

Honestly, I feel like i'm doing my best.
But mom-guilt kicks in
and it's the very worst feeling to me.
"You're too mean. You're not reading enough. You aren't feeding them healthy things. Tv shows? Really?
You are ruining them. You are messing up everything!"

When I think these things, I feel shame.
Shame.
I didn't know motherhood would feel like this.
What was I even thinking becoming a mother to these children?
They like me but they don't even REALIZE how much I am messing them up.
Someday, they'll know and then they won't like me.
They'll know how weak I am.
And how much I haven't done.

When these thoughts and feelings come, they are almost impossible to put off.
It's really hard to tell your own thoughts and feelings that they are wrong.
And what you are thinking is stupid
and to get out of your heart because you are trying your best.
And dangit, if i'm doing my best, then that's all I can do.

I can only do what I can.

My perspective is changing.
When I think these crummy things, I just tell myself, "You know, that's dumb. I'm doing my best"
I never even realized how powerful this message was until I went back to school.
That's a long story but the rundown is this:
i'm working on my bachelors through the online program at BYUIdaho.
And honestly, I was not even a little excited to start.
In fact, I hated the whole thing.
I resented to whole situation.
I was basically dragged by Heavenly Father kicking and screaming to school.
I told myself I couldn't do it.
I can't.
I'm wasting my time.
I'm trading this time with my kids.
And many other reservations were on my mind.

But because Heavenly Father told me to do it, I started to do it.
I wasn't happy but I prayed for the faith to work hard and prioritize my life.
You know what concerned me the most?
I was most afraid of that dumb voice telling me I was a crappy mom.
I told myself, "I'm already a crappy mom. If you go to school, you'll be WAY worse! You are going to be too impatient with your kids! What about them? You don't give enough already. You are going to feel run down and fail. You are trading being a mom with being a student. Is it really THAT important? You are ruining your life".

You know what? Being in school has taught me immensely about my parenting.
First of all, my time is more precious.
I only have so much time and energy in the day for my kids.
So I try to make it count.
If that means we are sitting together while I read articles for school and they are watching Octonauts,
at least i'm here. At least i'm trying.
Second, I am cutting myself some slack.
I am honest to heaven doing my VERY best!
So when that voice comes and says i'm crummy,
I tell it to get out of my life because i've got kids to feed and homework to do.
Third, my classes are changing my perspective of my family.

My degree is for Marriage and Family. And I love it.
I wanted to barf when I first thought about doing this degree in this specific field
but NOW, I know it is absolutely right for me.

I'm learning to love my kids and spend better time with them.
Being aware of them and mentally present when they talk to me.
I look forward to the conversations instead of dreading the interruptions.
I'm learning to ask for help. 
My husband has been helping me constantly.
The kids are enjoying having more dad time and I think he likes it too!
I'm learning that my kids are kids and that they are going to struggle.
I've been having some problems with one of my kids
and I haven't really enjoyed being their mom lately.
My classes have really humbled me and helped me to see that she is learning and she is growing.
I'm learning more patience and kindness with her.
With all my kids, I'm learning but it's especially helping with this daughter.

I thought I needed to sacrifice myself to my kids to be a great mother,
at the expense of my own self and individual worth.
In the end, becoming a mother didn't teach me how to feel whole.
I needed to learn that elsewhere.
I needed to learn how to shut down those self doubts.
I needed to seek for my own understanding.
I needed to learn how to be brave and voice my own opinion without fear of rejection or resentment.
I don't mind if people agree with me anymore.
I just need to be authentic with myself and where I am.
That's how I feel complete.
When I DO feel whole, i'm a better mother and wife.
But it doesn't come from those roles. It comes from me.