"Can ye feel so now?"

I started this blog to document my thoughts after 10 years of being a member
of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
Last year, 2014, was my 10 year anniversary.
Each year, in August, I reflect on what I’ve learned and felt.
It has been the most rewarding time of my life, these first 10 years.
But then something happened.
My 11^th year was different.

I felt like my first 10 years of being a Latter-Day Saint have been incredible.
I’ve learned, seen, experienced, and enjoyed so much!
This past year was not like that.
It was almost like…a famine.
I went from feeling this incredible sense of purpose and love for the gospel of Jesus Christ
to nothing.

Nothing.

My habits were the same,
my heart was the same,
my thinking was the same or similar to the past.

But I felt nothing.

What happened?
Was I different? Was it the gospel? Was it my life?
Not really.
I just felt really empty.

Let me back up a second:
What should I be feeling instead of nothing?
What fills the emptiness?

Alright, stay with me while I do my best to break this down.
I’m missing a certain…sense.
I’m missing the feeling(s) that come from the Spirit.
The Holy Ghost.
“What does the Holy Ghost feel like?”
I’m glad you asked!
Let me explain how I personally feel it (it can be felt in many ways)

I have a great sense of love.
I feel that love for others and I also feel it for myself.
I feel a desire or an urgency to do good.
I feel comfort.
I feel peace.
I actually feel a sense of hunger for these good feelings.
I feel an urgency for more.
More loved, more peaceful, more goodness!

So, I have felt ALL of these things before.
Sometimes, simultaneously.
“Well, how do you get these great, fulfilling feelings?”
Another great question!

This is how I typically feel these things:
Through Praying.
Reading Scriptures.
Helping someone in need.
Spending time with my family.
Studying the inspired words of leaders.
A HUGE one for me is through music.
Righteous music touches my heart in a way that almost pierces me.
This is one of the most reliable, easily accessible ways for me to feel the Holy Ghost.

I have continued to do ALL of these things.
I would pray and read scriptures almost daily.
I studied the words of church leaders and the Prophet constantly.
I was reaching out and serving others as best as possible!
I would sing or listen to hymns while I did the dishes or cleaning the house.
I was seeking out goodness all around me.
I was doing it.
And I was empty.
Where was the peace?
Where did it go?
It was just here
and now, it’s nowhere. I can’t find it.

I know I’ve felt it.
I’ve been promised by Heavenly Father through being baptized
that I can “always have the spirit to be with me”.
I was keeping up my end of the bargain.
I was keeping the commandments and trying to be good.
Where is the Spirit? Where is he?
I’m doing ALL these things to feel his presence.
And he isn’t there.
I feel nothingness in a space that was once filled,
overflowing with love, peace, gratitude, goodness.
I was still doing goodness but didn’t feel good.
I felt nothing.

Well, things change.
They always do.

The first Sunday of each month is our “Testimony Meeting”.
This is where the local leaders open up the first hour of church to those in the congregation to come and share some of their beliefs or what they know to be true
about the gospel of Jesus Christ.
You stand up, walk to the pulpit, introduce yourself and say
“I’d like to bear my testimony that I believe/know such and such”

This last testimony meeting, I felt something.
I felt compelled to go and share my testimony.
What I knew to be true.
I’ve shared my testimony before and I often feel those same Spiritual feelings when I do it.
The love, peace, comfort
But I hadn’t felt anything spiritual in a while.
For an entire year!
What could I possibly say to my Brothers and Sisters
about what I knew to be true?
I didn’t feel anything.
What did I know?
What did I believe right in that moment the Spirit said, “Stand”?

Let me tell you, I didn’t know what I was going to say.
But I got up, walked to the pulpit, lowered the microphone, and began to speak.
Here is a rundown of what I shared in that meeting.
I don’t remember perfectly but I’ll do my best.

“11 years ago, I was baptized a member of the church. Around this time of year, I like to reflect on my baptism. The first ten years have been amazing. I have learned so much about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and their love for us. I have had the companionship of the Holy Ghost. I love having the Holy Ghost. I have been strengthened, comforted and learned so much! I couldn’t get enough of the gospel!  It has been a truly incredible 10 years of my life.

This past year, my eleventh year, has been really different for me. I’m still reading my scriptures and saying my prayers but I haven’t felt the Holy Ghost. Something that came so easily to me I have felt only a few times this entire year. I have to say, I’m really struggling with this. I’m doing all the right things but I don’t feel the Spirit. It has been really hard.

So, I’ve had to rely on what I already know. I know that Jesus Christ is our Savior. I know that The Book of Mormon is the word of God. I know that even though this year has been hard for me, I pray and know that it will get better. But right now, Heavenly Father is trying to teach me to appreciate what I know. He wants to show me what it’s like not having the Spirit so I can truly hunger and seek to have it with me always. I know that this is the gospel of Jesus Christ and that it will get better. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

I was surprised and humbled
because these were not things I had ever thought of before.
When I stood up and shared what I did know, Heavenly Father taught me something.
He taught me that the purpose to this “spiritual famine”
was so I could truly prize the tender feelings of the Spirit.
That I wouldn’t treat them so casually.
These feelings are loving, peaceful, humbling, inspiring and good.

Since I got up that day, it has been better for me.
I have felt the Holy Ghost in my life more.
And I feel such peace and comfort when it is with me.
It is dear to me.
It is precious to me.
I don’t think I will ever take for granted this sacred gift.

There is a scripture I thought of often this year in Alma 5:22 that says,

“If ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?”

Can ye feel so now?
I will never forget what I felt this year
and I will never forget this sacred gift and experience.  

Everyone has stuff

Everyone has their stuff.
I say this often because it’s true.
Every single person you or I encounter has stuff.
I don’t mean physical stuff.
I mean stuff.
Stuff they have to deal with or face.
Sorrow, hurts, past mistakes, misconceptions, judgments, negativity, disappointments.
This is the stuff of which I speak.

Look around you or check out facebook.
You are only seeing a glimpse of someone’s life.
Every person you see and know (or think you know) has something they are dealing with.
Maybe it’s a strained relationship with a sibling.
Maybe they struggle with self-doubt among friends.
Maybe it’s something they can’t see.
But we all have it. We all have stuff.

Under the risk of having my mortality show, here is an example of my stuff.
I feel alone.
We all feel lonely at times and feel left out, like an outsider.
This isn’t really what I’m talking about.
I feel lonely.
This loneliness can be attributed to many things.
I have struggled with depression.
I have survived relationships of all shapes and sizes.
I agonize and hang onto moments of shame.
There’s a word for you.
Shame.
I think that’s where my loneliness comes from.

Let me try to explain this cycle of loneliness.
I try to reach out, but that leaves me vulnerable.
When I do reach out, I feel awkward and I don’t feel like myself.
If I get past the initial “reaching out”, I am afraid to share what I really think and feel.
I am in the habit of not sharing what I feel.
If I share what I feel, I am burdening someone with those feelings.
It’s easier to be accepted if you don’t burden someone.
And people like you more if they get something from you instead of leaning on them.
This isn’t the ways it’s supposed to be
but that’s what it often feels like for me.
I do have friends and I try to help them out.
but when i'm stuck in this cycle, it’s a sad, lonely place to be.
because I will never talk myself into letting someone help me with my load.
I can think of a hundred reasons why I should help others
but when it comes to my own needs, I am left silent.

It is risky to share your feelings.
They are incredibly personal.
They are often hard and sad.

My husband and I are going through a lot.
I am surprised and humbled by how many people inquire after us.
They sense something or feel we are heavy and tired.
They ask, “So how is it going? Really?”
Even when they ask, it’s hard to put into words.
As I try to explain all of the stuff, I instantly explain it away.
“It’ll be okay. We’re fine”.
I’m trying to convince them and myself that it’s really going to be fine.
Truth is, I honestly don’t know.

I could tell you all the details but this isn’t really the time or place.
I guess the reason I’m writing all of this is to say
things are hard.
Not just for me.
For many, many people,
Life gets hard.
Sure, the platitudes of “It’ll all be okay” are nice
but they don’t ring true right now.
What I really need
and what we all sometimes need
is to just sit down with that person and listen.
Cry with them if they are crying.
Don’t be so quick to explain it away.
“Maybe there’s a plan or purpose to all of this”.
I understand the logic but my heart can’t hear you.
It’s too heavy.
Mourn with those that mourn.
Listen to those who need to be heard.

When you go through certain trials, the tendency is to seek solitude within yourself.
I will think, “This is so hard. I can’t possibly share this with anyone else.
They will feel burdened. They won’t understand”
In these times, I’m reminded of these words by David A. Bednar.
“In a moment of weakness we may cry out, “No one knows what it is like. No one understands.” But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He has felt and borne our individual burdens.”

There will come a time when I won’t feel weighed down by all of this stuff.
It’s okay to be patient with yourself
and give yourself some time to mourn.
Allow yourself to process the loss, pain, burden you are feeling.
When you have felt it all and have nothing left to feel,
then you can turn to the Savior and say,
“Please help me. Teach me. What am I to learn?”
Until then, give yourself some credit.
Your time will come when you feel light again. 

Christmas Gifts

I don’t pick topics to write about.
Most of the time, I don’t even pick what I think about.
Sometimes ideas just like to hang out for a while.
I will ponder, consider, and think about various ideas.
I like to mull them over and see where they go.

Today, I’m going to tell you about something scary.
It’s not going to seem scary to most of you
but it was really hard for me.
I’m sharing it because there’s a part of me that likes to pretend it was no big deal.
But it was.

We have this Christmas tradition on my side of the family.
We always make presents for each family member.
It is by far my favorite Christmas tradition!
Making something for someone is incredibly personal.
Part of it is exciting and creative.
The other part is sort of …difficult.
I always feel quite vulnerable when I make something for someone.
Why?
Well, at least for me, it’s almost like what I make represents me in a way.
It represents my time, my ideas, my design, what I thought they would like.
If someone doesn’t like what I made, it’s basically a rejection of my idea.
I’m an adult and it’s still difficult for me to differentiate
between someone rejecting my idea and someone rejecting me.
It’s a weakness, I know
but I know it’s there and I try to think logically through my feelings.
And we all know logic and feelings go hand-in-hand, right?
…

Anyway, this year was a little tricky in the craft department.
We have plenty of supplies and LOTS of ideas
but as far as time goes, there’s not much to spare
between myself, a husband, 5 year old, 2 year old, and a baby.
So, this year, I didn’t think I would be able to make anything.
I was pretty disappointed by this.
Of course, my family would understand.
They’ll love me no matter what.
I still wanted to do something.
So I started to think, mull, consider the possibilities.
One night, while talking with my husband, it finally hit me!
I could give my siblings something incredibly valuable to me.
Maybe it’s cliché to some but after 10 years of being a Mormon,
I have never given any scriptures to my family.
I knew what I needed to give this year.
I needed to give my siblings The Book of Mormon.

Seriously?!!
You’re probably thinking, “Oooo! Giving a GIFT! So scary!!!”
Allow me to explain why:
If giving something I MADE to someone else is intimidating and personal,
of COURSE giving something that’s incredibly important to me would be even tougher!!
This book is not just a book.
It has changed my life in a way that can never be undone.
It has blessed me beyond my comprehension.
It has blessed me, my husband, my children, my friends.
Everything I believe and do is influenced by that book.
I love that book.
I will always love The Book of Mormon.

So, here’s the needle to thread:
I have to give something away that is important to me.
I want to give it in such a way that it’s absolutely clear to the recipients
that I love them, accept them, would walk through fire for them
regardless of whether they believe this book or not.
I also want to make my own position absolutely clear
that I believe, honor, and know this book is the word of God.
My greatest fear through this process is my family will think I’m judging them.
My greatest fear in LIFE has to do with rejection.
I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to bother people.
So this was a crazy cocktail of fear made up just for me!
Oh joy!

I pondered and prayed about this every day for a while.
Heavenly Father blessed me with confidence and a plan.
It was pretty simple: include a card.
I wrote a personal card to each of them.
I expressed my love for them and our family.
I told them how proud I was of them and that I will always be proud of them.
I included some personal details of what impressed me about them
and what they taught me.
I prayed about each sibling and each card I wrote.
I included a little note in each set of scriptures.
I think they each said, “This book has blessed my life. I know it’s true!”
Simple and honest.

I wasn’t there on Christmas when they opened up the cards and gifts.
But I know they felt my love.
Even if they never accept the book in the way I have accepted it,
I’m really grateful I gave them one.
My siblings are my greatest friends.
I thank Heavenly Father all the time for my family.
And as far as I can tell, that’s the message they received on Christmas.