Blessings

I feel like there are things that always seem to go wrong.

There’s always problems with family, money, feeling like we're doing enough.
That checklist that never seems to end and
there’s never enough time for.

I've been thinking a lot about this.
Sure, lots of things are always going wrong.
But there’s lots of things that are always going right.

For most people on most days,
there are way more tender mercies in a day than there are struggles.
Even the day your bathroom floods into your downstairs neighbor’s apartment
(totally happened)
and the day you find out you need to have a crown on that tooth when you have no money
(also happened)
Even on those seemingly terrible days, there is beauty in it.

I've remembered lately the times that we've been shown great love.
These weren't in big, boisterous ways.
I feel lots of love from seemingly small, insignificant ways that some would take for granted.
Up until recently, I probably even took them for granted.
The more often they happen, the more I notice them.
They can’t be a coincidence.
They happen far too often to be coincidence.
They aren't coincidences.
They are blessings.

The time I called my dentist to let them know I was going to be very late because my husband wasn’t home yet to watch the kids. Instead of charging me $50 for the cancellation, they said don’t worry about it.

The time I was heading back to college and didn't have enough money for books. Instead of worrying about buying food or books, my grandma handed me a check so I could pay for them.

The time I was pregnant with my firstborn and we had no money (I mean zero dollars, spending $20 a week on groceries). I was in college and I had a teacher who was kind enough to offer me the crib his kids used because they wanted to give it to someone who needed it.

What’s even more incredible to me was that my family had already pitched in to buy us a brand new crib. Just knowing my teacher thought to offer it to us was humbling.

The times my sister calls me to show she’s thinking about me and wants to know how things are going even though I probably repeat the same stories over and over again. She still calls me.

The time (in fact, it’s every time) my parents come to visit and they always always bring food, diapers, clothes for the kids and sometimes all of the above.

The time I accidentally had a baby in my apartment (follow link for story) and my friend not only cleaned the apartment but did the laundry as well. When she dropped it all off, she even brought zucchini bread.

The time my friend dropped off food from her cabinet telling me, “It’s not much but I thought you could use it”. It certainly meant much to me.

The times my daughter cried every Sunday and had a hard time going to her Primary class and she was comforted by her leaders and friends.

The time this same little girl came out of her room and told me, “I was scared of the dark and then I prayed and now I’m not scared anymore! Goodnight!”

The time I asked a friend to come and visit because I was feeling lonely. She came over, brought lunch, stayed for a couple hours so we could catch up and I could feel like a friend again. Something about having a baby makes you think you suddenly can’t make friends. At least that’s what it’s like for me.

The time I felt such love and affection from friends after sharing that it’s been very hard for me. I had many women reach out to me, hug me, express their love to me and let me know that they cared.

Every time I go to church and get to sit next to a friend.

Every time I go to the grocery store and the cashier is friendly.

Every time someone reaches out to my kids.

Every time I pray.

There is so much love, tender mercies and blessings that come to us constantly.
If we could even count our blessings, name them one by one,
we will truly be surprised by what the Lord has done.

“God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs.” -President Spencer W. Kimball

10 years ago: My Baptism

On August 29, 2004

I was baptized a member
of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I have probably never written down
what I felt or what was significant to me
on the day I was baptized.
I’m grateful I still remember
so I can still write it down.

I remember that everyone was making it a big deal.
I didn't think of it like that.
In hindsight, I know I didn't realize
how this decision would affect my life.
This wasn't a single, lonely decision.
This decision would affect all my other decisions.
They weren't asking me to commit my Sundays.
They were asking me to commit my devotion,
my life, and my heart to Jesus Christ.
Did I really know that’s what I was doing?
No.
But that’s okay.
I knew the gospel was right.
I knew that the peace I felt while I prayed
was a peace I wanted to keep for my life.
I believed in a Savior
and that was enough.

I remember I finished reading The Book of Mormon that morning.
I knew in the beginning of my journey
that I believed those words to be true
but I will always be grateful to my mom
who asked me to do that.
It instilled in me an appreciation and love for the scriptures.
It taught me to turn towards them and read
before any important decision I made.
It taught me to continually study them
since there was so much I didn't understand.
It also set up the habit to read it
over and over again.
I know I have read The Book of Mormon
in its entirety probably 8 times.
I remember I felt a lot of love and peace
from that book.
I love that book.
I love the scriptures.
They testify of God’s infinite love for His children
and His love for me.

I remember going to the church
and seeing all the people.
And there were a lot of people.
There were probably over 100 people there.
I thought it was strange
since I didn't really know that many of them.
But I’m glad those strangers were there
because they became my ward family.
I was a 14 year old, joining the church by myself.
I’m not sure how often that happens
but the ward probably knew that I would need a lot of support.
They certainly filled that need.

I remember the hot water for the baptismal font wasn't working.
The missionaries warned me it would be cold.
I told them I didn't mind.
When I walked into the water, I was surprised.
It was warm.
Later, I learned that the sisters in the ward boiled water.
Lots and lots of water.
They boiled it, carried it and put it into the font
so the water wouldn't be cold.
I remember feeling incredible humbled
by their consideration and kindness towards me.
Even thinking about it now,
I can really feel their love for me.

When I was baptized, I don’t remember feeling very different
But that’s because I felt the same comfort and peace
that accompanied me throughout the process of preparing.
It was the same familiar feeling.
It was a feeling of hope.
I may not have known right away
how far reaching this decision was
but I can tell you that I knew it was right.
I knew The Book of Mormon was true.
I knew that this is what I wanted.

I have considered on occasion
what my life would be like without the gospel of Jesus Christ.
I’m certain I wouldn't be a bad person
but I know I wouldn't be the same.
It absolutely changed me for the better.
I became who I was meant to become.

10 years have passed
and my life is very different now.
I am married to a compassionate, hard-working man.
I have three lovely, perfect daughters.
I am learning still.
I am learning to love, accept, be patient with others
and with myself too.
I am learning to accept myself in all my flaws
because that’s how the Savior accepted me.
He asks for the intent of our hearts
and for a desire to follow Him.
I pray for that always
and thank Him for all I have and hope for.

One last thing that I remember from my baptism is a hymn we sang.
We had sung it previously in a church meeting.
I remember it was so beautiful.
It really captured and expressed the feelings of my heart.
This is why I chose it for my baptism.
It’s titled, “I stand all amazed”.

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
That for me a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

How to accidentally have a baby at home

First: You must be willing to be thrown off your groove!
Don’t go “by the book” with your labors.

Second: Please make sure that you go in and out of labor a LOT!!
Especially with your first two pregnancies
so that way, when your third comes along,
you will not even realize you are in labor until it’s delivery time!

Third: Try to make sure someone is with you to catch your baby.
It’s cute to have a 4 year old witness your labor
but let’s not scar them for life
(Note: Elli did not witness my labor. She missed it by about 1 min)

Let me start with the history of my previous deliveries.
Otherwise, I sound like someone who just wasn't paying attention.  

Here's the history:

Elli’s stats
December 16th, 2009
7 hours of rhythmic, painful contractions.
Then, NOTHING! Labor stops for 9 hours.

December 17^th, 2009
Labor begins at midnight!
12 hours of labor
Baby Elli born at noon.
Welcome baby!
Arrives 7 days before her due date.

Sophia’s stats
June 22, 2012
3-5 hours rhythmic contractions.
Then everything stops.

June 23, 2012
3-5 hours rhythmic contractions.
Then nothing!

June 24, 2012
3-5 hours rhythmic contractions.
Then nothing!!!
(Are you sensing a pattern here?)

June 25, 2012
6 hours rhythmic contractions.
Then NOTHING!!!

June 26, 2012
Labor starts at 6 am and she arrives at 9:00 pm.
15 hours of labor
AFTER they gave me Pitocin to speed things up.
(horrible choice that I would never make again.
I literally felt like I was dying!!)
Yes, your labor typically speeds up with each baby.
Remember, we’re not going “by the book” here.
Welcome baby!
Arrives 7 days before her due date.

Ruby’s stats
July 24, 2014
4 hours rhythmic contractions.
Then everything stops.
(Here we go again!)

July 25, 2014
3 hours rhythmic contractions.
Then nothing!

July 26, 2014
3 hours rhythmic contractions.
Then they stop.
Then they come BACK for 3 hours.
Then nothing for the night.

July 27, 2014
6 hours rhythmic contractions.
I feel like this is the night!
Baby will be coming!
But…she doesn’t.

July 28, 2014
6 hours rhythmic contractions.
On and off, all day long.
Then they stop. Still no baby.

July 29, 2014
Contractions on and off all day long.
Rhythmic, noticeable contractions begin at 6:00 pm.
This baby has fooled me before
so I decide to wait until they hurt.
We call my grandma at 7:30
and let her know we might need her tonight.
She says she can come around 8:30.
That’s fine. Labor’s just starting.
Just in case, we call my friend Jen
to see if she can come be with the girls.
But the contractions are sporadic and not consistent.
So we wait for them to hurt before we make any solid plans.
Guess what happened?
They didn’t hurt until my water broke
after 8 o clock.
By then, she is already coming.
Weeeeee! Here we go baby!

I call Caleb into the bathroom and tell him he needs to call 911
because I’m about to have the baby.
Literally, he says, “Are you kidding me!!?” And runs to get his phone.
I love Caleb. Calling it like it is =]
While he’s getting his phone, Elli comes out of her room.
“Daddy, I’m hungry”
Caleb looks at her and says,
“Elli, mom’s about to have the baby so you need to go back to your room”
Elli says, “Okay!” and pops back into her room.
That’s a miracle!
Good listening kid!

So he gets dispatch on the phone
and talks to them for probably 1 minute.
But guess what? It’s time to push now!
I don’t even say anything to Caleb.
Maybe a warning would have been nice. Ha!
He’s washed his hands and he’s hanging out to catch the baby.
So, I start to push. Here was the conversation with dispatch.

“Yeah, the baby is crowning already and…wait, WAIT!! Her head is out! Her head is out and…oh, wow! Okay. Yeah, she’s out now. The baby is here!”

Caleb wraps her up and hands her to me.
I get to sit with my little girl
And I am in love.
I cannot explain the type of peace I felt.
I felt like it was the most sacred, special experience of my life.
Just me, Caleb and this precious little girl.
I got to just be with her for maybe 5 min.
Just me and her.
I get to hold her and talk to her.
I have never been so happy to be with anyone. 










Let me tell you something.
It was not scary at all.
I was not scared or in shock.
I just felt really…peaceful.
I didn’t even feel rushed or overwhelmed at all.
I just felt really happy
and that it was time for her to be here.
It was incredible.

In case you are wondering,
this type of labor is called Prodromal labor. 
Some doctors and moms don't believe
this type of labor even exists. 
But let me tell you something: It certainly does.
This is not braxton hicks.
They feel the same as real labor pain.
You go in and out of labor over the course
of days or WEEKS (yes, weeks!) before your baby arrives.
It's sure exciting
and exhausting.
But it's worth it

So Ruby Mae was born
on the bathroom floor in our apartment
after 2.5 hours of labor.
9 days before her due date.
Welcome baby!
We love you so much!
She was ready to come
and I’m glad Caleb was home to catch her =]

What did I know?

10 years ago, I started asking questions about religion. After months of investigation, I joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. What did I learn about church and religion?

What can you learn about God

within a few months?

Is it possible to learn enough

to allow it to influence the rest of your life?

I cannot and should not answer for everyone

but for myself, I know what I learned was enough.

How did I know?

How could I possibly trust so much

I knew very little about?

Just a few months of listening and learning

has had an effect on the way I think

and the way I live. 

So

How did I know?

I believe there are ideas that influence us.

Sometimes, you don’t know where they came from

and you don’t know why

but in your heart of hearts,

you know that they are true.

I don’t just mean religion.

I mean certain ideas that we just know to be true.

Some people believe that our freedom to make choices

is incredibly sacred and a personal right to all people.

I also believe that is true.

This idea is one of my personal truths as I call them. 

In my heart, I have an incredible respect for agency.

My own agency and the agency of others. 

Heavenly Father does too.

So, 

What did I know?

What were my personal truths?

As you’ve probably read previously, 

I was not going to be a part of any single religion.

I thought I would never find something I agreed with 100%. 

If I did not think it was all true, 

I would not be part of it. 

That’s a truth for me. 

I knew that from the beginning. 

There were other truths I knew

and they effected my decision.

They also effected the questions I asked about religion. 

These truths were mine.

This was my test for religion.

This is in no way meant to represent what I think others should do or use.

This is meant to represent me and only me.

Just like this blog only represents my own thoughts. 

I do not speak for others. 

So please read this next part in the spirit it is meant to be in. 

This blog is to record my journey

and this post is meant to help better explain it.  

Ready?

Here are the truths that influenced me. 

Personal Truth #1

Babies are not born into sin.

This was incredibly influential.

It certainly kicked out many religions in my mind. 

I don’t know how and I don’t know why

but I knew that I could never, ever support any faith

that said babies were born into sin. 

Babies are babies.

They are tiny.

They are perfect.

How can they have sin?

I asked some friends about what they believed

specifically about babies and sin. 

As far as I remember, 

the explanation usually went something like this. 

Adam and Eve partook of the fruit and fell. 

Mankind is now fallen. 

Therefore, we are all living in sin.

Even babies are born into sin

and we must all pay for Adam and Eve’s choice.  

I could not agree with this. 

Why would anyone, let alone babies,

have to pay for someone else’s choice?

Have you seen a baby?

Held a baby?

How can they possibly have any sin?

This was a deal breaker. 

I could not, would not ever believe this to be true.

For me personally, I just couldn’t. 

It didn’t seem right.

Personal Truth #2

Families are sacred.  

I’m sure in my mind I had another name for it back then.

But here’s the basic idea that could not compute. 

This conversation does not represent one specific conversation.

It is just meant to represent what I was taught

and what I was thinking.

Okay, Go!

Someone Else: “When we die, if we have accepted Christ as our Savior, 

we can go to Heaven and be Angels. Anyone who doesn’t accept Jesus will burn. “

Me: “Wow, an angel. 

That sounds pretty great.

But, 

what about my family?

What about my parents?

My siblings?

I want to get married someday

so what about my husband?

And my children?”

Someone Else: “Being an angel is sort of an individual thing. You’ll probably see your family around but it’s about being an angel in God’s family, not about your own family” 

Me: “So why would we have families on earth?” 

Someone Else: “You can be an angel!”

Me: “Sure, but I want to be a daughter, a sister, a mom. I love my family. I want to be with them. Can’t I be with them too?”

Someone Else: “You can be an angel!”

Somehow, I knew that this wasn’t going to work for me. 

I wanted to be with my family. 

There was nothing more important than that.

I thought that if Heavenly Father really loved us enough

to bless us with families here on Earth,

why would he rip us apart after we died?

This personal truth was more of a feeling.

The feeling can be summed up like this:

I love my family

and I should be able to be with them in Heaven. 

If I can’t be with them, 

what kind of Heaven would that even be?

Without my family, it wouldn’t be Heaven. 

Personal Truth #3

God speaks today and we can know Him.

THIS one was interesting.

I didn’t even realize this idea was influencing me

until I started learning more about the Bible.

I learned that leaders with often teach their own ideas 

and use the Bible to support them.

I’m sure these are good ideas

and they are probably very inspiring sermons

but if all of these leaders are reading the same book,

shouldn’t leaders generally think similar things?

This is not always the case.

You can read a verse from the Bible

and come up with tons of different ideas. 

What I would learn from a sermon on the Bible

depends on the preacher I’m listening to. 

What I learn about God and Jesus Christ

is only determined by someone else’s interpretation. 

God only speaks to His servants.

He doesn’t speak to man.

He certainly doesn’t speak to me.

But if God doesn’t speak to man, why do we pray?

Can’t we have a personal relationship with God

without having to go through someone else?

Can’t I talk to Him too and learn His will for me? 

Does what I learn really depend on the leader in front of me?

Nope.

I’m too strong-willed for that. 

I have to do it too.

If I can do it myself, learn it myself,

have a personal relationship with Heavenly Father,

then I will work hard to keep it. 

It’s the way I think and the way I work. 

No one should have to stand in-between 

my relationship with Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ.

Well, these weren’t just ideas to me.

They aren’t just personal truths anymore either. 

They are just truth. 

These are truths found in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Truth #1

Babies are not born into sin. 

The curse of Adam is swallowed up 

in the Atonement of Jesus Christ for all little children. 

Here is how I know.

This is a verse from The Book of Mormon.

The Book of Moroni. Chapter 8, verse 8.

“Listen to the words of Christ, your Redeemer, your Lord and your God. Behold, I came into the world not to call the righteous but sinners to repentance; the whole need no physician, but they that are sick; wherefore, little children are whole, for they are not capable of committing sin; wherefore the curse of Adam is taken from them in me, that it hath no power over them; and the law of circumcision is done away in me.”

Truth #2

Families are sacred.

If you make and keep sacred covenants, 

you can be together forever as a family. 

Here is how I know. 

This is a paragraph from Mormon.org

called “Strengthening Families”

“Within the family is the best place to learn to love others the way Heavenly Father loves each one of us. God's Church exists to help families gain eternal blessings. We believe the greatest blessing He gives us is the ability to return to live with Him in heaven with our families. We follow our Heavenly Father's will because that is how we earn this blessing.”

Truth #3

God speaks today and we can know Him.

God speaks today through the power of the Holy Ghost

and we can have a personal witness of Him.

Here is how I know. 

This is a verse from The Book of Mormon.

The book of Moroni, chapter 10, verses 4-5.

“4 And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. 

5 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things”

So here they are.

These are the deal breakers

and apparently the deal makers too.

The gospel of Jesus Christ was already in line

with my own personal truths.

This is how I knew

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was true.

I know it is true for these reasons

and many, many others.

For additional material on what I wrote today,

here are some links. 

Jesus Christ. Who he is and how he has changed my life. 

The Articles of Faith or an outline of what we believe. The Plan of Salvation. Also called the Plan of Happiness.

The Influence of One

Who was this person who changed my life?
Who gave me hope in friendships?
Who made me feel like I was a real person?
Someone worthwhile?
Someone who has worth?

This friend
found me at Girl's Camp.

Remember how I said
All things can be turned to good
if you turn to Heavenly Father?
Well, I meant it.
I had turned to Heavenly Father every day
and asked him to help me.
Please help me
not to be lonely
and sad
and worthless.
Please help me to be a friend.
I don't know what I'm doing
but please help me.

I had been asking for these things.
I knew that I had to trust Heavenly Father,
that He would care for me
and that this could take time.

Time it took.
Months had passed.
Summer was coming
and so was Girl's Camp.
It had not ever crossed my mind to go
because we aren't campers.
I do not remember camping
EVER.
Our family was the
stay-indoors-eat-delicious-food
kind of people.
We still are
and it's fabulous =]

The fact that I didn't WANT to go
did not stop my Young Women's leader
from telling me that I should.
I told her no.
She called me
and insisted I go.
I told her no.
She then told me
that she thought it was important.
She even had a hiking pack,
sleeping bag,
and funds for me to go.
And so,
partially to get her off my back
and because she paved the way,
I said I would.
But it was really only to please her.

Well,
it didn't go very well.
Most of the girl's knew each other
and were already good friends.
I didn't have a place.
Being at girl's camp reminded me
that I didn't have any friends.
Why?
Because no one wanted me.
What a reminder to get
every
single
day
away from home
and the comforts of family.
I was completely alone
and didn't deserve anyone.

I wrote to my mom
and told her all about it.
She cried
and so did I.

About half way through girl's camp,
something happened.
Someone happened.
I don't know why
she talked to me
but she changed my life.

Her name is Kate.

I don't really know how it started.
I think she just saw me
and probably thought,
"She's by herself. I'll go talk to her"
And she did.
She talked to me.
I don't remember what it was about
but I do remember how she made me feel.
She made me feel like a person.
She made me feel like I was worth talking to.
She was and is the kind of person
who people literally flock to.
She's inviting
and kind.
She radiates light.
And this person
decided to take the time
to talk to me.
Imperfect, hopeless me.

She didn't think of me that way.
You can feel it when you talk to her.
She just sees a person.
She saw a person
who was worth it.
I saw who I could be
because she saw me
and accepted me.
She saw me
as a child of God.
And I really was
just a child
in need of a friend.

She became my best friend.
She will always be
my best friend.
Even if we don't talk
for seventeen years,
I know I can call her
and it'll feel the same.
I will feel loved.

I learned a lot from Kate
and from her family.
"No put downs".
Be courteous.
Speak kind words.
Be respectful.
Smile and have fun!
But most of all,
Show love.

I finally knew how to be a friend.
I could be like Kate
and just show love.
I could really see others
and treat them kindly.
Like a person.
I could reach out.
I could help them feel included.
Maybe someday,
I could radiate light.
I want to make people happy
so when people come to me,
they can feel safe
and loved.
I just want to show love
because someone showed me love.
He showed me
everyone deserves love.
Heavenly Father taught me
how to love.
He gave me an incredible,
personal example.
He gave me a Savior.
He is love.
Heavenly Father answers prayers.
He gave me a friend.
He gave me Kate.

Who I was

I wrote last time
that this was a time of reflection.
This is a time to look at myself
with all my flaws,
imperfections,
short-comings,
and to not be afraid
at what I see.

Here's where i'm brave
And I see myself for who I was.
This is where I am honest.
This is where
my mortality is showing. 

Who was I back then?
Who was this girl
who decided to be baptized?
Did she know what she was doing?
How did this decision affect my life?
But really, 
today,
it's about who I was.

Who was I back then?
Well,
It's quite simple really.
I was 
a real jerk.

Yes, that's right.
I was a jerk.
A sarcastic,
rude, 
inconsiderate,
unsympathetic,
jerk.

The friends I have now
who did not know me then
will usually laugh at me
when I describe myself
from back then. 
They say, 
"There's no way"
and
"That's not even possible"
But I know who I was
and I know what I was.
I was a jerk. 

You don't have to believe me
for me to know that it's there.
It's there.
I know that it's true.
I know that I was unfeeling.
I know how rude I was.
I know
because I remember.

I remember times when friends would turn to me
and I would not even care.
I remember saying such hurtful,
hard,
and unkind things
in the name of a joke.

I would give examples
but I don't need to prove it.
People who knew me
and who were my friends
probably didn't feel like they had a friend.
Because that's not what I was.
And that's not how I thought of them. 
They were my punching bag.
They were a bother.
They weren't there for me 
Because I wasn't there for them. 

I know who I was.
I was a jerk.
And I know that I was
because I lost them all.
Yes.
I Lost my friends. 
Every single one. 

I remember the day
I realized my best friend
was not my friend anymore.
I found out at school
sometime after lunch
and let me tell you,
I was devastated. 
I could not even sit up. 
All I could do was sob
and cry.
And I cried. 

I called my parents
to pick me up
and I couldn't even talk to them
about why I was so upset. 
They saw I was crying
and they took me home. 
I cried at school.
I cried all the way home.
I cried for another twenty min
before I could say a word. 
They just stood next to me
and waited. 
And waited.
Finally, I told them. 
I had lost my friend.
And I didn't know why. 
My mom held me
and I cried. 

Now, it was hard to lose my friends
and it was devastating to lose my best friend
but until I became an adult, 
I had no idea why.
Why did I lose my friends?
Not knowing why was the hardest to deal with.
How do you ask for forgiveness
when you don't know what you did?
How do you fix yourself 
and make sure you won't hurt the people around you
but you have no idea
what you did to hurt them?
Where do you go?
What do you do?

I'll tell you what I did.
I was alone
So I stayed that way.
I don't really know if I stayed that way
because people left me
or if it was because
I was afraid I would hurt anyone new. 
I think it was probably both. 

I was terrified
of who I had become. 
I was also terrified
that I would stay alone forever.
Paralyzed because I couldn't be a friend.
I didn't know how to be a friend. 
I didn't deserve to have friends
because I wasn't one. 

It was a incredibly lonely part of my life. 
And I will never
ever
forget it. 

Looking back as an adult,
I can see why. 
I know now why my friends left me. 
They didn't leave because I was baptized.
They didn't leave because I was changing. 
They left because I was the same.
They left because I was the same thoughtless,
rude,
terrible person
who was supposedly trying to be better
but treated them exactly the same.
Like a jerk.  

I'm writing this part of my life
because it was incredibly painful. 
Being rejected
and having no understanding why.
Being alone
and really wondering 
if  I would ever deserve friends.
Let me tell you something. 
Everyone deserves friends
but you need to be a friend
to keep your friends. 
It just takes one friend
who reaches past your doubts,
fears,
rejection
to bring out that hope. 

All things can be turned to good
if you turn to Heavenly Father.
This devastating part of my life
became the most instructive,
humbling,
and necessary trial
I have ever gone through. 
And it's all because
I was able to meet
the dearest, kindest friend I've ever had. 
And this friend changed my life. 

An Outline of My Story

I'm coming up on my 10 year anniversary
with myself.
On August 29th, 2004, 
I was baptized a member of
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
I became one of those.
I became a Mormon. 

I've been reflecting a lot on that decision
and every aspect it has effected in my life 
since that one choice was made.
I think about why I did it.
I think about what I've gained.
Sometimes I think about what i've given up.
I'm reflecting on my life
because sometimes I feel the need to take inventory.
I think this is a time
where I am supposed to reflect on who I am,
where I have been,
and where I am going.

This is a time to look at myself
with all my flaws,
imperfections,
short-comings,
and to not be afraid
at what I see.

Where did it start?

These are just my thoughts
and there's no particular order within my mind
because that's not the way my mind works.
For the sake of avoiding confusion,
these ideas will be somewhat chronological.

One of the choices I made 
that is curious to some
and sometimes even to me
is the choice to be baptized.
I was 14 years old at the time
and a freshman in high school.
I was not at all religious.
My family was not at all religious.
I was pretty happy with my life.
So, what changed?

There was a friend in high school
who told me I needed to "Be saved".
As you can imagine, 
I was pretty angry.
I felt judged,
hurt,
thrown-off,
and then confused.
I had a lot of questions.
Why?
Why would they judge me?
What makes them think they know me?
Why would they say that at all?
...
What does that even mean?
To "Be saved"?

I didn't know what to think

And then something weird happened.
Something started to pull me.
And it would not go away.
After I was done being angry,
and trust me, that took some time,
the questions started to pull me.
The questions I had wouldn't go away.
What did it even mean?
To "Be saved"?

If you remember, my family wasn't religious,
So I had to figure out where to go
to ask my questions.

I had a few religious friends
and I knew they went to church each week.
I decided to ask them.

The questions were asked purely out of curiosity
because I had already decided for myself
that I wasn't going to get involved in any religion.

I am an incredibly Strong-willed (read "Stubborn") person.
I would never put myself out there
and become committed to anything
unless I could give one-thousand percent. 
Actually, my whole family is like that.
We are pretty laid back people
but when we decide to commit to something,
anything,
or anyone,
we are incredibly loyal.
We will give a thousand percent
and become wholeheartedly,
and forever commited. 

This is why I would never be a part
of any one religion.
If I didn't agree with it,
and I mean all of it,
every aspect,
principle,
doctrine,
I wouldn't commit to it. 
Why would I waste my time
on something I didn't fully agree with?

So,
I went to my friends.
I asked my questions
and got some answers.
Some, I agreed with
and some I did not.
But you know what was interesting?
I never felt pressured to agree.
With any of my friends I talked to,
Catholic, 
Protestant, 
Christian,
they just shared what they thought. 
They answered my questions
and didn't take offense when I didn't agree.
We just talked about it.
I'm not sure if that would happen as easily today.
There's a lot of pressure to conform to
many, many opinions.
This wasn't that.
This was really open.
And I liked that.

I had a friend ask if I wanted to talk to some missionaries.
I said, "Sure!"
because I had no idea what those were
but she told me they could answer my questions.
She even offered to all meet at her house
so I wouldn't have to meet them by myself.

My process of inputting information
worked sort of like this
When I would listen to answers to my questions, 
my brain would answer,
"Yes. Yes. Sort of. Eh, don't agree. No. No way! Maybe, yes..."
I would look for the "No's" in my mind.
I would sit and wait until a No popped up.

When I met these missionaries,
I was pretty confused
Not because what they said was confusing
but my mind was going like this, 
"Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes...Yes. Really, yes again? Where's No? Is that...Yes? Again YES?! Wow"
I listened that first night
and then the next time
and the next
and I always came across yes.
I don't know how these guys did it
but somehow, I couldn't find anything
that was out of line with my thinking. 
Somehow,
these Mormons,
they fit.

After I saw this pattern,
I decided to keep going.
I kept meeting with the misisonaries
and asking questions.
With every question,
every scripture we read,
from The Bible 
and The Book of Mormon,
I just kept thinking "Yes".
It was almost a feeling of being familiar
and it never went away.

My parents were supportive
and told me they used to go to the Mormon church
a long time ago
So they were familiar with what I was being taught.
I kept them up-to-date on what I was thinking
and my intentions.

When I asked my mom if I could be baptized,
She said I could under one condition.
I had to read The Book of Mormon.
The whole book.
So I did.
I started reading in July
and was baptized in August.

I'm writing this
so I can take inventory
and keep track of where I am.
I figured where it all started
is a good place to begin.

I am far from becoming who I want 
or who I am meant to be
but, more than anything else,
I am happy. 

This is my life
and I am grateful.
I found something
that is right for me.