Everyone has stuff

Everyone has their stuff.
I say this often because it’s true.
Every single person you or I encounter has stuff.
I don’t mean physical stuff.
I mean stuff.
Stuff they have to deal with or face.
Sorrow, hurts, past mistakes, misconceptions, judgments, negativity, disappointments.
This is the stuff of which I speak.

Look around you or check out facebook.
You are only seeing a glimpse of someone’s life.
Every person you see and know (or think you know) has something they are dealing with.
Maybe it’s a strained relationship with a sibling.
Maybe they struggle with self-doubt among friends.
Maybe it’s something they can’t see.
But we all have it. We all have stuff.

Under the risk of having my mortality show, here is an example of my stuff.
I feel alone.
We all feel lonely at times and feel left out, like an outsider.
This isn’t really what I’m talking about.
I feel lonely.
This loneliness can be attributed to many things.
I have struggled with depression.
I have survived relationships of all shapes and sizes.
I agonize and hang onto moments of shame.
There’s a word for you.
Shame.
I think that’s where my loneliness comes from.

Let me try to explain this cycle of loneliness.
I try to reach out, but that leaves me vulnerable.
When I do reach out, I feel awkward and I don’t feel like myself.
If I get past the initial “reaching out”, I am afraid to share what I really think and feel.
I am in the habit of not sharing what I feel.
If I share what I feel, I am burdening someone with those feelings.
It’s easier to be accepted if you don’t burden someone.
And people like you more if they get something from you instead of leaning on them.
This isn’t the ways it’s supposed to be
but that’s what it often feels like for me.
I do have friends and I try to help them out.
but when i'm stuck in this cycle, it’s a sad, lonely place to be.
because I will never talk myself into letting someone help me with my load.
I can think of a hundred reasons why I should help others
but when it comes to my own needs, I am left silent.

It is risky to share your feelings.
They are incredibly personal.
They are often hard and sad.

My husband and I are going through a lot.
I am surprised and humbled by how many people inquire after us.
They sense something or feel we are heavy and tired.
They ask, “So how is it going? Really?”
Even when they ask, it’s hard to put into words.
As I try to explain all of the stuff, I instantly explain it away.
“It’ll be okay. We’re fine”.
I’m trying to convince them and myself that it’s really going to be fine.
Truth is, I honestly don’t know.

I could tell you all the details but this isn’t really the time or place.
I guess the reason I’m writing all of this is to say
things are hard.
Not just for me.
For many, many people,
Life gets hard.
Sure, the platitudes of “It’ll all be okay” are nice
but they don’t ring true right now.
What I really need
and what we all sometimes need
is to just sit down with that person and listen.
Cry with them if they are crying.
Don’t be so quick to explain it away.
“Maybe there’s a plan or purpose to all of this”.
I understand the logic but my heart can’t hear you.
It’s too heavy.
Mourn with those that mourn.
Listen to those who need to be heard.

When you go through certain trials, the tendency is to seek solitude within yourself.
I will think, “This is so hard. I can’t possibly share this with anyone else.
They will feel burdened. They won’t understand”
In these times, I’m reminded of these words by David A. Bednar.
“In a moment of weakness we may cry out, “No one knows what it is like. No one understands.” But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He has felt and borne our individual burdens.”

There will come a time when I won’t feel weighed down by all of this stuff.
It’s okay to be patient with yourself
and give yourself some time to mourn.
Allow yourself to process the loss, pain, burden you are feeling.
When you have felt it all and have nothing left to feel,
then you can turn to the Savior and say,
“Please help me. Teach me. What am I to learn?”
Until then, give yourself some credit.
Your time will come when you feel light again.