Make me Whole

When I became a mother, I thought my life would feel...complete.Or it would feel more fulfilling.
I'm not sure why I expected this
but I had always assumed that becoming a mother would leave me feeling whole.

And I could not have been more wrong.


I love my children.
They are wonderful! Great kids who try their best.
They try to be kind. They are friendly. They are hard workers!
I am constantly impressed and amazed by them!
And I am constantly heartbroken.
Not as much by their actions but by my reactions.
When I yell at them or scold them or misunderstand them, I am sad.
I am not as patient, or as loving and kind as I thought I would be.
And I'm disappointed in me.

Honestly, I feel like i'm doing my best.
But mom-guilt kicks in
and it's the very worst feeling to me.
"You're too mean. You're not reading enough. You aren't feeding them healthy things. Tv shows? Really?
You are ruining them. You are messing up everything!"

When I think these things, I feel shame.
Shame.
I didn't know motherhood would feel like this.
What was I even thinking becoming a mother to these children?
They like me but they don't even REALIZE how much I am messing them up.
Someday, they'll know and then they won't like me.
They'll know how weak I am.
And how much I haven't done.

When these thoughts and feelings come, they are almost impossible to put off.
It's really hard to tell your own thoughts and feelings that they are wrong.
And what you are thinking is stupid
and to get out of your heart because you are trying your best.
And dangit, if i'm doing my best, then that's all I can do.

I can only do what I can.

My perspective is changing.
When I think these crummy things, I just tell myself, "You know, that's dumb. I'm doing my best"
I never even realized how powerful this message was until I went back to school.
That's a long story but the rundown is this:
i'm working on my bachelors through the online program at BYUIdaho.
And honestly, I was not even a little excited to start.
In fact, I hated the whole thing.
I resented to whole situation.
I was basically dragged by Heavenly Father kicking and screaming to school.
I told myself I couldn't do it.
I can't.
I'm wasting my time.
I'm trading this time with my kids.
And many other reservations were on my mind.

But because Heavenly Father told me to do it, I started to do it.
I wasn't happy but I prayed for the faith to work hard and prioritize my life.
You know what concerned me the most?
I was most afraid of that dumb voice telling me I was a crappy mom.
I told myself, "I'm already a crappy mom. If you go to school, you'll be WAY worse! You are going to be too impatient with your kids! What about them? You don't give enough already. You are going to feel run down and fail. You are trading being a mom with being a student. Is it really THAT important? You are ruining your life".

You know what? Being in school has taught me immensely about my parenting.
First of all, my time is more precious.
I only have so much time and energy in the day for my kids.
So I try to make it count.
If that means we are sitting together while I read articles for school and they are watching Octonauts,
at least i'm here. At least i'm trying.
Second, I am cutting myself some slack.
I am honest to heaven doing my VERY best!
So when that voice comes and says i'm crummy,
I tell it to get out of my life because i've got kids to feed and homework to do.
Third, my classes are changing my perspective of my family.

My degree is for Marriage and Family. And I love it.
I wanted to barf when I first thought about doing this degree in this specific field
but NOW, I know it is absolutely right for me.

I'm learning to love my kids and spend better time with them.
Being aware of them and mentally present when they talk to me.
I look forward to the conversations instead of dreading the interruptions.
I'm learning to ask for help. 
My husband has been helping me constantly.
The kids are enjoying having more dad time and I think he likes it too!
I'm learning that my kids are kids and that they are going to struggle.
I've been having some problems with one of my kids
and I haven't really enjoyed being their mom lately.
My classes have really humbled me and helped me to see that she is learning and she is growing.
I'm learning more patience and kindness with her.
With all my kids, I'm learning but it's especially helping with this daughter.

I thought I needed to sacrifice myself to my kids to be a great mother,
at the expense of my own self and individual worth.
In the end, becoming a mother didn't teach me how to feel whole.
I needed to learn that elsewhere.
I needed to learn how to shut down those self doubts.
I needed to seek for my own understanding.
I needed to learn how to be brave and voice my own opinion without fear of rejection or resentment.
I don't mind if people agree with me anymore.
I just need to be authentic with myself and where I am.
That's how I feel complete.
When I DO feel whole, i'm a better mother and wife.
But it doesn't come from those roles. It comes from me.