"Can ye feel so now?"

I started this blog to document my thoughts after 10 years of being a member
of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
Last year, 2014, was my 10 year anniversary.
Each year, in August, I reflect on what I’ve learned and felt.
It has been the most rewarding time of my life, these first 10 years.
But then something happened.
My 11^th year was different.

I felt like my first 10 years of being a Latter-Day Saint have been incredible.
I’ve learned, seen, experienced, and enjoyed so much!
This past year was not like that.
It was almost like…a famine.
I went from feeling this incredible sense of purpose and love for the gospel of Jesus Christ
to nothing.

Nothing.

My habits were the same,
my heart was the same,
my thinking was the same or similar to the past.

But I felt nothing.

What happened?
Was I different? Was it the gospel? Was it my life?
Not really.
I just felt really empty.

Let me back up a second:
What should I be feeling instead of nothing?
What fills the emptiness?

Alright, stay with me while I do my best to break this down.
I’m missing a certain…sense.
I’m missing the feeling(s) that come from the Spirit.
The Holy Ghost.
“What does the Holy Ghost feel like?”
I’m glad you asked!
Let me explain how I personally feel it (it can be felt in many ways)

I have a great sense of love.
I feel that love for others and I also feel it for myself.
I feel a desire or an urgency to do good.
I feel comfort.
I feel peace.
I actually feel a sense of hunger for these good feelings.
I feel an urgency for more.
More loved, more peaceful, more goodness!

So, I have felt ALL of these things before.
Sometimes, simultaneously.
“Well, how do you get these great, fulfilling feelings?”
Another great question!

This is how I typically feel these things:
Through Praying.
Reading Scriptures.
Helping someone in need.
Spending time with my family.
Studying the inspired words of leaders.
A HUGE one for me is through music.
Righteous music touches my heart in a way that almost pierces me.
This is one of the most reliable, easily accessible ways for me to feel the Holy Ghost.

I have continued to do ALL of these things.
I would pray and read scriptures almost daily.
I studied the words of church leaders and the Prophet constantly.
I was reaching out and serving others as best as possible!
I would sing or listen to hymns while I did the dishes or cleaning the house.
I was seeking out goodness all around me.
I was doing it.
And I was empty.
Where was the peace?
Where did it go?
It was just here
and now, it’s nowhere. I can’t find it.

I know I’ve felt it.
I’ve been promised by Heavenly Father through being baptized
that I can “always have the spirit to be with me”.
I was keeping up my end of the bargain.
I was keeping the commandments and trying to be good.
Where is the Spirit? Where is he?
I’m doing ALL these things to feel his presence.
And he isn’t there.
I feel nothingness in a space that was once filled,
overflowing with love, peace, gratitude, goodness.
I was still doing goodness but didn’t feel good.
I felt nothing.

Well, things change.
They always do.

The first Sunday of each month is our “Testimony Meeting”.
This is where the local leaders open up the first hour of church to those in the congregation to come and share some of their beliefs or what they know to be true
about the gospel of Jesus Christ.
You stand up, walk to the pulpit, introduce yourself and say
“I’d like to bear my testimony that I believe/know such and such”

This last testimony meeting, I felt something.
I felt compelled to go and share my testimony.
What I knew to be true.
I’ve shared my testimony before and I often feel those same Spiritual feelings when I do it.
The love, peace, comfort
But I hadn’t felt anything spiritual in a while.
For an entire year!
What could I possibly say to my Brothers and Sisters
about what I knew to be true?
I didn’t feel anything.
What did I know?
What did I believe right in that moment the Spirit said, “Stand”?

Let me tell you, I didn’t know what I was going to say.
But I got up, walked to the pulpit, lowered the microphone, and began to speak.
Here is a rundown of what I shared in that meeting.
I don’t remember perfectly but I’ll do my best.

“11 years ago, I was baptized a member of the church. Around this time of year, I like to reflect on my baptism. The first ten years have been amazing. I have learned so much about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and their love for us. I have had the companionship of the Holy Ghost. I love having the Holy Ghost. I have been strengthened, comforted and learned so much! I couldn’t get enough of the gospel!  It has been a truly incredible 10 years of my life.

This past year, my eleventh year, has been really different for me. I’m still reading my scriptures and saying my prayers but I haven’t felt the Holy Ghost. Something that came so easily to me I have felt only a few times this entire year. I have to say, I’m really struggling with this. I’m doing all the right things but I don’t feel the Spirit. It has been really hard.

So, I’ve had to rely on what I already know. I know that Jesus Christ is our Savior. I know that The Book of Mormon is the word of God. I know that even though this year has been hard for me, I pray and know that it will get better. But right now, Heavenly Father is trying to teach me to appreciate what I know. He wants to show me what it’s like not having the Spirit so I can truly hunger and seek to have it with me always. I know that this is the gospel of Jesus Christ and that it will get better. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

I was surprised and humbled
because these were not things I had ever thought of before.
When I stood up and shared what I did know, Heavenly Father taught me something.
He taught me that the purpose to this “spiritual famine”
was so I could truly prize the tender feelings of the Spirit.
That I wouldn’t treat them so casually.
These feelings are loving, peaceful, humbling, inspiring and good.

Since I got up that day, it has been better for me.
I have felt the Holy Ghost in my life more.
And I feel such peace and comfort when it is with me.
It is dear to me.
It is precious to me.
I don’t think I will ever take for granted this sacred gift.

There is a scripture I thought of often this year in Alma 5:22 that says,

“If ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?”

Can ye feel so now?
I will never forget what I felt this year
and I will never forget this sacred gift and experience.  

Everyone has stuff

Everyone has their stuff.
I say this often because it’s true.
Every single person you or I encounter has stuff.
I don’t mean physical stuff.
I mean stuff.
Stuff they have to deal with or face.
Sorrow, hurts, past mistakes, misconceptions, judgments, negativity, disappointments.
This is the stuff of which I speak.

Look around you or check out facebook.
You are only seeing a glimpse of someone’s life.
Every person you see and know (or think you know) has something they are dealing with.
Maybe it’s a strained relationship with a sibling.
Maybe they struggle with self-doubt among friends.
Maybe it’s something they can’t see.
But we all have it. We all have stuff.

Under the risk of having my mortality show, here is an example of my stuff.
I feel alone.
We all feel lonely at times and feel left out, like an outsider.
This isn’t really what I’m talking about.
I feel lonely.
This loneliness can be attributed to many things.
I have struggled with depression.
I have survived relationships of all shapes and sizes.
I agonize and hang onto moments of shame.
There’s a word for you.
Shame.
I think that’s where my loneliness comes from.

Let me try to explain this cycle of loneliness.
I try to reach out, but that leaves me vulnerable.
When I do reach out, I feel awkward and I don’t feel like myself.
If I get past the initial “reaching out”, I am afraid to share what I really think and feel.
I am in the habit of not sharing what I feel.
If I share what I feel, I am burdening someone with those feelings.
It’s easier to be accepted if you don’t burden someone.
And people like you more if they get something from you instead of leaning on them.
This isn’t the ways it’s supposed to be
but that’s what it often feels like for me.
I do have friends and I try to help them out.
but when i'm stuck in this cycle, it’s a sad, lonely place to be.
because I will never talk myself into letting someone help me with my load.
I can think of a hundred reasons why I should help others
but when it comes to my own needs, I am left silent.

It is risky to share your feelings.
They are incredibly personal.
They are often hard and sad.

My husband and I are going through a lot.
I am surprised and humbled by how many people inquire after us.
They sense something or feel we are heavy and tired.
They ask, “So how is it going? Really?”
Even when they ask, it’s hard to put into words.
As I try to explain all of the stuff, I instantly explain it away.
“It’ll be okay. We’re fine”.
I’m trying to convince them and myself that it’s really going to be fine.
Truth is, I honestly don’t know.

I could tell you all the details but this isn’t really the time or place.
I guess the reason I’m writing all of this is to say
things are hard.
Not just for me.
For many, many people,
Life gets hard.
Sure, the platitudes of “It’ll all be okay” are nice
but they don’t ring true right now.
What I really need
and what we all sometimes need
is to just sit down with that person and listen.
Cry with them if they are crying.
Don’t be so quick to explain it away.
“Maybe there’s a plan or purpose to all of this”.
I understand the logic but my heart can’t hear you.
It’s too heavy.
Mourn with those that mourn.
Listen to those who need to be heard.

When you go through certain trials, the tendency is to seek solitude within yourself.
I will think, “This is so hard. I can’t possibly share this with anyone else.
They will feel burdened. They won’t understand”
In these times, I’m reminded of these words by David A. Bednar.
“In a moment of weakness we may cry out, “No one knows what it is like. No one understands.” But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He has felt and borne our individual burdens.”

There will come a time when I won’t feel weighed down by all of this stuff.
It’s okay to be patient with yourself
and give yourself some time to mourn.
Allow yourself to process the loss, pain, burden you are feeling.
When you have felt it all and have nothing left to feel,
then you can turn to the Savior and say,
“Please help me. Teach me. What am I to learn?”
Until then, give yourself some credit.
Your time will come when you feel light again. 

Christmas Gifts

I don’t pick topics to write about.
Most of the time, I don’t even pick what I think about.
Sometimes ideas just like to hang out for a while.
I will ponder, consider, and think about various ideas.
I like to mull them over and see where they go.

Today, I’m going to tell you about something scary.
It’s not going to seem scary to most of you
but it was really hard for me.
I’m sharing it because there’s a part of me that likes to pretend it was no big deal.
But it was.

We have this Christmas tradition on my side of the family.
We always make presents for each family member.
It is by far my favorite Christmas tradition!
Making something for someone is incredibly personal.
Part of it is exciting and creative.
The other part is sort of …difficult.
I always feel quite vulnerable when I make something for someone.
Why?
Well, at least for me, it’s almost like what I make represents me in a way.
It represents my time, my ideas, my design, what I thought they would like.
If someone doesn’t like what I made, it’s basically a rejection of my idea.
I’m an adult and it’s still difficult for me to differentiate
between someone rejecting my idea and someone rejecting me.
It’s a weakness, I know
but I know it’s there and I try to think logically through my feelings.
And we all know logic and feelings go hand-in-hand, right?
…

Anyway, this year was a little tricky in the craft department.
We have plenty of supplies and LOTS of ideas
but as far as time goes, there’s not much to spare
between myself, a husband, 5 year old, 2 year old, and a baby.
So, this year, I didn’t think I would be able to make anything.
I was pretty disappointed by this.
Of course, my family would understand.
They’ll love me no matter what.
I still wanted to do something.
So I started to think, mull, consider the possibilities.
One night, while talking with my husband, it finally hit me!
I could give my siblings something incredibly valuable to me.
Maybe it’s cliché to some but after 10 years of being a Mormon,
I have never given any scriptures to my family.
I knew what I needed to give this year.
I needed to give my siblings The Book of Mormon.

Seriously?!!
You’re probably thinking, “Oooo! Giving a GIFT! So scary!!!”
Allow me to explain why:
If giving something I MADE to someone else is intimidating and personal,
of COURSE giving something that’s incredibly important to me would be even tougher!!
This book is not just a book.
It has changed my life in a way that can never be undone.
It has blessed me beyond my comprehension.
It has blessed me, my husband, my children, my friends.
Everything I believe and do is influenced by that book.
I love that book.
I will always love The Book of Mormon.

So, here’s the needle to thread:
I have to give something away that is important to me.
I want to give it in such a way that it’s absolutely clear to the recipients
that I love them, accept them, would walk through fire for them
regardless of whether they believe this book or not.
I also want to make my own position absolutely clear
that I believe, honor, and know this book is the word of God.
My greatest fear through this process is my family will think I’m judging them.
My greatest fear in LIFE has to do with rejection.
I don’t want to be alone and I don’t want to bother people.
So this was a crazy cocktail of fear made up just for me!
Oh joy!

I pondered and prayed about this every day for a while.
Heavenly Father blessed me with confidence and a plan.
It was pretty simple: include a card.
I wrote a personal card to each of them.
I expressed my love for them and our family.
I told them how proud I was of them and that I will always be proud of them.
I included some personal details of what impressed me about them
and what they taught me.
I prayed about each sibling and each card I wrote.
I included a little note in each set of scriptures.
I think they each said, “This book has blessed my life. I know it’s true!”
Simple and honest.

I wasn’t there on Christmas when they opened up the cards and gifts.
But I know they felt my love.
Even if they never accept the book in the way I have accepted it,
I’m really grateful I gave them one.
My siblings are my greatest friends.
I thank Heavenly Father all the time for my family.
And as far as I can tell, that’s the message they received on Christmas.

Blessings

I feel like there are things that always seem to go wrong.

There’s always problems with family, money, feeling like we're doing enough.
That checklist that never seems to end and
there’s never enough time for.

I've been thinking a lot about this.
Sure, lots of things are always going wrong.
But there’s lots of things that are always going right.

For most people on most days,
there are way more tender mercies in a day than there are struggles.
Even the day your bathroom floods into your downstairs neighbor’s apartment
(totally happened)
and the day you find out you need to have a crown on that tooth when you have no money
(also happened)
Even on those seemingly terrible days, there is beauty in it.

I've remembered lately the times that we've been shown great love.
These weren't in big, boisterous ways.
I feel lots of love from seemingly small, insignificant ways that some would take for granted.
Up until recently, I probably even took them for granted.
The more often they happen, the more I notice them.
They can’t be a coincidence.
They happen far too often to be coincidence.
They aren't coincidences.
They are blessings.

The time I called my dentist to let them know I was going to be very late because my husband wasn’t home yet to watch the kids. Instead of charging me $50 for the cancellation, they said don’t worry about it.

The time I was heading back to college and didn't have enough money for books. Instead of worrying about buying food or books, my grandma handed me a check so I could pay for them.

The time I was pregnant with my firstborn and we had no money (I mean zero dollars, spending $20 a week on groceries). I was in college and I had a teacher who was kind enough to offer me the crib his kids used because they wanted to give it to someone who needed it.

What’s even more incredible to me was that my family had already pitched in to buy us a brand new crib. Just knowing my teacher thought to offer it to us was humbling.

The times my sister calls me to show she’s thinking about me and wants to know how things are going even though I probably repeat the same stories over and over again. She still calls me.

The time (in fact, it’s every time) my parents come to visit and they always always bring food, diapers, clothes for the kids and sometimes all of the above.

The time I accidentally had a baby in my apartment (follow link for story) and my friend not only cleaned the apartment but did the laundry as well. When she dropped it all off, she even brought zucchini bread.

The time my friend dropped off food from her cabinet telling me, “It’s not much but I thought you could use it”. It certainly meant much to me.

The times my daughter cried every Sunday and had a hard time going to her Primary class and she was comforted by her leaders and friends.

The time this same little girl came out of her room and told me, “I was scared of the dark and then I prayed and now I’m not scared anymore! Goodnight!”

The time I asked a friend to come and visit because I was feeling lonely. She came over, brought lunch, stayed for a couple hours so we could catch up and I could feel like a friend again. Something about having a baby makes you think you suddenly can’t make friends. At least that’s what it’s like for me.

The time I felt such love and affection from friends after sharing that it’s been very hard for me. I had many women reach out to me, hug me, express their love to me and let me know that they cared.

Every time I go to church and get to sit next to a friend.

Every time I go to the grocery store and the cashier is friendly.

Every time someone reaches out to my kids.

Every time I pray.

There is so much love, tender mercies and blessings that come to us constantly.
If we could even count our blessings, name them one by one,
we will truly be surprised by what the Lord has done.

“God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs.” -President Spencer W. Kimball

10 years ago: My Baptism

On August 29, 2004

I was baptized a member
of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.

I have probably never written down
what I felt or what was significant to me
on the day I was baptized.
I’m grateful I still remember
so I can still write it down.

I remember that everyone was making it a big deal.
I didn't think of it like that.
In hindsight, I know I didn't realize
how this decision would affect my life.
This wasn't a single, lonely decision.
This decision would affect all my other decisions.
They weren't asking me to commit my Sundays.
They were asking me to commit my devotion,
my life, and my heart to Jesus Christ.
Did I really know that’s what I was doing?
No.
But that’s okay.
I knew the gospel was right.
I knew that the peace I felt while I prayed
was a peace I wanted to keep for my life.
I believed in a Savior
and that was enough.

I remember I finished reading The Book of Mormon that morning.
I knew in the beginning of my journey
that I believed those words to be true
but I will always be grateful to my mom
who asked me to do that.
It instilled in me an appreciation and love for the scriptures.
It taught me to turn towards them and read
before any important decision I made.
It taught me to continually study them
since there was so much I didn't understand.
It also set up the habit to read it
over and over again.
I know I have read The Book of Mormon
in its entirety probably 8 times.
I remember I felt a lot of love and peace
from that book.
I love that book.
I love the scriptures.
They testify of God’s infinite love for His children
and His love for me.

I remember going to the church
and seeing all the people.
And there were a lot of people.
There were probably over 100 people there.
I thought it was strange
since I didn't really know that many of them.
But I’m glad those strangers were there
because they became my ward family.
I was a 14 year old, joining the church by myself.
I’m not sure how often that happens
but the ward probably knew that I would need a lot of support.
They certainly filled that need.

I remember the hot water for the baptismal font wasn't working.
The missionaries warned me it would be cold.
I told them I didn't mind.
When I walked into the water, I was surprised.
It was warm.
Later, I learned that the sisters in the ward boiled water.
Lots and lots of water.
They boiled it, carried it and put it into the font
so the water wouldn't be cold.
I remember feeling incredible humbled
by their consideration and kindness towards me.
Even thinking about it now,
I can really feel their love for me.

When I was baptized, I don’t remember feeling very different
But that’s because I felt the same comfort and peace
that accompanied me throughout the process of preparing.
It was the same familiar feeling.
It was a feeling of hope.
I may not have known right away
how far reaching this decision was
but I can tell you that I knew it was right.
I knew The Book of Mormon was true.
I knew that this is what I wanted.

I have considered on occasion
what my life would be like without the gospel of Jesus Christ.
I’m certain I wouldn't be a bad person
but I know I wouldn't be the same.
It absolutely changed me for the better.
I became who I was meant to become.

10 years have passed
and my life is very different now.
I am married to a compassionate, hard-working man.
I have three lovely, perfect daughters.
I am learning still.
I am learning to love, accept, be patient with others
and with myself too.
I am learning to accept myself in all my flaws
because that’s how the Savior accepted me.
He asks for the intent of our hearts
and for a desire to follow Him.
I pray for that always
and thank Him for all I have and hope for.

One last thing that I remember from my baptism is a hymn we sang.
We had sung it previously in a church meeting.
I remember it was so beautiful.
It really captured and expressed the feelings of my heart.
This is why I chose it for my baptism.
It’s titled, “I stand all amazed”.

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
That for me a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!

How to accidentally have a baby at home

First: You must be willing to be thrown off your groove!
Don’t go “by the book” with your labors.

Second: Please make sure that you go in and out of labor a LOT!!
Especially with your first two pregnancies
so that way, when your third comes along,
you will not even realize you are in labor until it’s delivery time!

Third: Try to make sure someone is with you to catch your baby.
It’s cute to have a 4 year old witness your labor
but let’s not scar them for life
(Note: Elli did not witness my labor. She missed it by about 1 min)

Let me start with the history of my previous deliveries.
Otherwise, I sound like someone who just wasn't paying attention.  

Here's the history:

Elli’s stats
December 16th, 2009
7 hours of rhythmic, painful contractions.
Then, NOTHING! Labor stops for 9 hours.

December 17^th, 2009
Labor begins at midnight!
12 hours of labor
Baby Elli born at noon.
Welcome baby!
Arrives 7 days before her due date.

Sophia’s stats
June 22, 2012
3-5 hours rhythmic contractions.
Then everything stops.

June 23, 2012
3-5 hours rhythmic contractions.
Then nothing!

June 24, 2012
3-5 hours rhythmic contractions.
Then nothing!!!
(Are you sensing a pattern here?)

June 25, 2012
6 hours rhythmic contractions.
Then NOTHING!!!

June 26, 2012
Labor starts at 6 am and she arrives at 9:00 pm.
15 hours of labor
AFTER they gave me Pitocin to speed things up.
(horrible choice that I would never make again.
I literally felt like I was dying!!)
Yes, your labor typically speeds up with each baby.
Remember, we’re not going “by the book” here.
Welcome baby!
Arrives 7 days before her due date.

Ruby’s stats
July 24, 2014
4 hours rhythmic contractions.
Then everything stops.
(Here we go again!)

July 25, 2014
3 hours rhythmic contractions.
Then nothing!

July 26, 2014
3 hours rhythmic contractions.
Then they stop.
Then they come BACK for 3 hours.
Then nothing for the night.

July 27, 2014
6 hours rhythmic contractions.
I feel like this is the night!
Baby will be coming!
But…she doesn’t.

July 28, 2014
6 hours rhythmic contractions.
On and off, all day long.
Then they stop. Still no baby.

July 29, 2014
Contractions on and off all day long.
Rhythmic, noticeable contractions begin at 6:00 pm.
This baby has fooled me before
so I decide to wait until they hurt.
We call my grandma at 7:30
and let her know we might need her tonight.
She says she can come around 8:30.
That’s fine. Labor’s just starting.
Just in case, we call my friend Jen
to see if she can come be with the girls.
But the contractions are sporadic and not consistent.
So we wait for them to hurt before we make any solid plans.
Guess what happened?
They didn’t hurt until my water broke
after 8 o clock.
By then, she is already coming.
Weeeeee! Here we go baby!

I call Caleb into the bathroom and tell him he needs to call 911
because I’m about to have the baby.
Literally, he says, “Are you kidding me!!?” And runs to get his phone.
I love Caleb. Calling it like it is =]
While he’s getting his phone, Elli comes out of her room.
“Daddy, I’m hungry”
Caleb looks at her and says,
“Elli, mom’s about to have the baby so you need to go back to your room”
Elli says, “Okay!” and pops back into her room.
That’s a miracle!
Good listening kid!

So he gets dispatch on the phone
and talks to them for probably 1 minute.
But guess what? It’s time to push now!
I don’t even say anything to Caleb.
Maybe a warning would have been nice. Ha!
He’s washed his hands and he’s hanging out to catch the baby.
So, I start to push. Here was the conversation with dispatch.

“Yeah, the baby is crowning already and…wait, WAIT!! Her head is out! Her head is out and…oh, wow! Okay. Yeah, she’s out now. The baby is here!”

Caleb wraps her up and hands her to me.
I get to sit with my little girl
And I am in love.
I cannot explain the type of peace I felt.
I felt like it was the most sacred, special experience of my life.
Just me, Caleb and this precious little girl.
I got to just be with her for maybe 5 min.
Just me and her.
I get to hold her and talk to her.
I have never been so happy to be with anyone. 










Let me tell you something.
It was not scary at all.
I was not scared or in shock.
I just felt really…peaceful.
I didn’t even feel rushed or overwhelmed at all.
I just felt really happy
and that it was time for her to be here.
It was incredible.

In case you are wondering,
this type of labor is called Prodromal labor. 
Some doctors and moms don't believe
this type of labor even exists. 
But let me tell you something: It certainly does.
This is not braxton hicks.
They feel the same as real labor pain.
You go in and out of labor over the course
of days or WEEKS (yes, weeks!) before your baby arrives.
It's sure exciting
and exhausting.
But it's worth it

So Ruby Mae was born
on the bathroom floor in our apartment
after 2.5 hours of labor.
9 days before her due date.
Welcome baby!
We love you so much!
She was ready to come
and I’m glad Caleb was home to catch her =]

What did I know?

10 years ago, I started asking questions about religion. After months of investigation, I joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. What did I learn about church and religion?

What can you learn about God

within a few months?

Is it possible to learn enough

to allow it to influence the rest of your life?

I cannot and should not answer for everyone

but for myself, I know what I learned was enough.

How did I know?

How could I possibly trust so much

I knew very little about?

Just a few months of listening and learning

has had an effect on the way I think

and the way I live. 

So

How did I know?

I believe there are ideas that influence us.

Sometimes, you don’t know where they came from

and you don’t know why

but in your heart of hearts,

you know that they are true.

I don’t just mean religion.

I mean certain ideas that we just know to be true.

Some people believe that our freedom to make choices

is incredibly sacred and a personal right to all people.

I also believe that is true.

This idea is one of my personal truths as I call them. 

In my heart, I have an incredible respect for agency.

My own agency and the agency of others. 

Heavenly Father does too.

So, 

What did I know?

What were my personal truths?

As you’ve probably read previously, 

I was not going to be a part of any single religion.

I thought I would never find something I agreed with 100%. 

If I did not think it was all true, 

I would not be part of it. 

That’s a truth for me. 

I knew that from the beginning. 

There were other truths I knew

and they effected my decision.

They also effected the questions I asked about religion. 

These truths were mine.

This was my test for religion.

This is in no way meant to represent what I think others should do or use.

This is meant to represent me and only me.

Just like this blog only represents my own thoughts. 

I do not speak for others. 

So please read this next part in the spirit it is meant to be in. 

This blog is to record my journey

and this post is meant to help better explain it.  

Ready?

Here are the truths that influenced me. 

Personal Truth #1

Babies are not born into sin.

This was incredibly influential.

It certainly kicked out many religions in my mind. 

I don’t know how and I don’t know why

but I knew that I could never, ever support any faith

that said babies were born into sin. 

Babies are babies.

They are tiny.

They are perfect.

How can they have sin?

I asked some friends about what they believed

specifically about babies and sin. 

As far as I remember, 

the explanation usually went something like this. 

Adam and Eve partook of the fruit and fell. 

Mankind is now fallen. 

Therefore, we are all living in sin.

Even babies are born into sin

and we must all pay for Adam and Eve’s choice.  

I could not agree with this. 

Why would anyone, let alone babies,

have to pay for someone else’s choice?

Have you seen a baby?

Held a baby?

How can they possibly have any sin?

This was a deal breaker. 

I could not, would not ever believe this to be true.

For me personally, I just couldn’t. 

It didn’t seem right.

Personal Truth #2

Families are sacred.  

I’m sure in my mind I had another name for it back then.

But here’s the basic idea that could not compute. 

This conversation does not represent one specific conversation.

It is just meant to represent what I was taught

and what I was thinking.

Okay, Go!

Someone Else: “When we die, if we have accepted Christ as our Savior, 

we can go to Heaven and be Angels. Anyone who doesn’t accept Jesus will burn. “

Me: “Wow, an angel. 

That sounds pretty great.

But, 

what about my family?

What about my parents?

My siblings?

I want to get married someday

so what about my husband?

And my children?”

Someone Else: “Being an angel is sort of an individual thing. You’ll probably see your family around but it’s about being an angel in God’s family, not about your own family” 

Me: “So why would we have families on earth?” 

Someone Else: “You can be an angel!”

Me: “Sure, but I want to be a daughter, a sister, a mom. I love my family. I want to be with them. Can’t I be with them too?”

Someone Else: “You can be an angel!”

Somehow, I knew that this wasn’t going to work for me. 

I wanted to be with my family. 

There was nothing more important than that.

I thought that if Heavenly Father really loved us enough

to bless us with families here on Earth,

why would he rip us apart after we died?

This personal truth was more of a feeling.

The feeling can be summed up like this:

I love my family

and I should be able to be with them in Heaven. 

If I can’t be with them, 

what kind of Heaven would that even be?

Without my family, it wouldn’t be Heaven. 

Personal Truth #3

God speaks today and we can know Him.

THIS one was interesting.

I didn’t even realize this idea was influencing me

until I started learning more about the Bible.

I learned that leaders with often teach their own ideas 

and use the Bible to support them.

I’m sure these are good ideas

and they are probably very inspiring sermons

but if all of these leaders are reading the same book,

shouldn’t leaders generally think similar things?

This is not always the case.

You can read a verse from the Bible

and come up with tons of different ideas. 

What I would learn from a sermon on the Bible

depends on the preacher I’m listening to. 

What I learn about God and Jesus Christ

is only determined by someone else’s interpretation. 

God only speaks to His servants.

He doesn’t speak to man.

He certainly doesn’t speak to me.

But if God doesn’t speak to man, why do we pray?

Can’t we have a personal relationship with God

without having to go through someone else?

Can’t I talk to Him too and learn His will for me? 

Does what I learn really depend on the leader in front of me?

Nope.

I’m too strong-willed for that. 

I have to do it too.

If I can do it myself, learn it myself,

have a personal relationship with Heavenly Father,

then I will work hard to keep it. 

It’s the way I think and the way I work. 

No one should have to stand in-between 

my relationship with Heavenly Father or Jesus Christ.

Well, these weren’t just ideas to me.

They aren’t just personal truths anymore either. 

They are just truth. 

These are truths found in the gospel of Jesus Christ.

Truth #1

Babies are not born into sin. 

The curse of Adam is swallowed up 

in the Atonement of Jesus Christ for all little children. 

Here is how I know.

This is a verse from The Book of Mormon.

The Book of Moroni. Chapter 8, verse 8.

“Listen to the words of Christ, your Redeemer, your Lord and your God. Behold, I came into the world not to call the righteous but sinners to repentance; the whole need no physician, but they that are sick; wherefore, little children are whole, for they are not capable of committing sin; wherefore the curse of Adam is taken from them in me, that it hath no power over them; and the law of circumcision is done away in me.”

Truth #2

Families are sacred.

If you make and keep sacred covenants, 

you can be together forever as a family. 

Here is how I know. 

This is a paragraph from Mormon.org

called “Strengthening Families”

“Within the family is the best place to learn to love others the way Heavenly Father loves each one of us. God's Church exists to help families gain eternal blessings. We believe the greatest blessing He gives us is the ability to return to live with Him in heaven with our families. We follow our Heavenly Father's will because that is how we earn this blessing.”

Truth #3

God speaks today and we can know Him.

God speaks today through the power of the Holy Ghost

and we can have a personal witness of Him.

Here is how I know. 

This is a verse from The Book of Mormon.

The book of Moroni, chapter 10, verses 4-5.

“4 And when ye shall receive these things, I would exhort you that ye would ask God, the Eternal Father, in the name of Christ, if these things are not true; and if ye shall ask with a sincere heart, with real intent, having faith in Christ, he will manifest the truth of it unto you, by the power of the Holy Ghost. 

5 And by the power of the Holy Ghost ye may know the truth of all things”

So here they are.

These are the deal breakers

and apparently the deal makers too.

The gospel of Jesus Christ was already in line

with my own personal truths.

This is how I knew

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints was true.

I know it is true for these reasons

and many, many others.

For additional material on what I wrote today,

here are some links. 

Jesus Christ. Who he is and how he has changed my life. 

The Articles of Faith or an outline of what we believe. The Plan of Salvation. Also called the Plan of Happiness.