Who I was

I wrote last time
that this was a time of reflection.
This is a time to look at myself
with all my flaws,
imperfections,
short-comings,
and to not be afraid
at what I see.

Here's where i'm brave
And I see myself for who I was.
This is where I am honest.
This is where
my mortality is showing. 

Who was I back then?
Who was this girl
who decided to be baptized?
Did she know what she was doing?
How did this decision affect my life?
But really, 
today,
it's about who I was.

Who was I back then?
Well,
It's quite simple really.
I was 
a real jerk.

Yes, that's right.
I was a jerk.
A sarcastic,
rude, 
inconsiderate,
unsympathetic,
jerk.

The friends I have now
who did not know me then
will usually laugh at me
when I describe myself
from back then. 
They say, 
"There's no way"
and
"That's not even possible"
But I know who I was
and I know what I was.
I was a jerk. 

You don't have to believe me
for me to know that it's there.
It's there.
I know that it's true.
I know that I was unfeeling.
I know how rude I was.
I know
because I remember.

I remember times when friends would turn to me
and I would not even care.
I remember saying such hurtful,
hard,
and unkind things
in the name of a joke.

I would give examples
but I don't need to prove it.
People who knew me
and who were my friends
probably didn't feel like they had a friend.
Because that's not what I was.
And that's not how I thought of them. 
They were my punching bag.
They were a bother.
They weren't there for me 
Because I wasn't there for them. 

I know who I was.
I was a jerk.
And I know that I was
because I lost them all.
Yes.
I Lost my friends. 
Every single one. 

I remember the day
I realized my best friend
was not my friend anymore.
I found out at school
sometime after lunch
and let me tell you,
I was devastated. 
I could not even sit up. 
All I could do was sob
and cry.
And I cried. 

I called my parents
to pick me up
and I couldn't even talk to them
about why I was so upset. 
They saw I was crying
and they took me home. 
I cried at school.
I cried all the way home.
I cried for another twenty min
before I could say a word. 
They just stood next to me
and waited. 
And waited.
Finally, I told them. 
I had lost my friend.
And I didn't know why. 
My mom held me
and I cried. 

Now, it was hard to lose my friends
and it was devastating to lose my best friend
but until I became an adult, 
I had no idea why.
Why did I lose my friends?
Not knowing why was the hardest to deal with.
How do you ask for forgiveness
when you don't know what you did?
How do you fix yourself 
and make sure you won't hurt the people around you
but you have no idea
what you did to hurt them?
Where do you go?
What do you do?

I'll tell you what I did.
I was alone
So I stayed that way.
I don't really know if I stayed that way
because people left me
or if it was because
I was afraid I would hurt anyone new. 
I think it was probably both. 

I was terrified
of who I had become. 
I was also terrified
that I would stay alone forever.
Paralyzed because I couldn't be a friend.
I didn't know how to be a friend. 
I didn't deserve to have friends
because I wasn't one. 

It was a incredibly lonely part of my life. 
And I will never
ever
forget it. 

Looking back as an adult,
I can see why. 
I know now why my friends left me. 
They didn't leave because I was baptized.
They didn't leave because I was changing. 
They left because I was the same.
They left because I was the same thoughtless,
rude,
terrible person
who was supposedly trying to be better
but treated them exactly the same.
Like a jerk.  

I'm writing this part of my life
because it was incredibly painful. 
Being rejected
and having no understanding why.
Being alone
and really wondering 
if  I would ever deserve friends.
Let me tell you something. 
Everyone deserves friends
but you need to be a friend
to keep your friends. 
It just takes one friend
who reaches past your doubts,
fears,
rejection
to bring out that hope. 

All things can be turned to good
if you turn to Heavenly Father.
This devastating part of my life
became the most instructive,
humbling,
and necessary trial
I have ever gone through. 
And it's all because
I was able to meet
the dearest, kindest friend I've ever had. 
And this friend changed my life.