Who I was

I wrote last time
that this was a time of reflection.
This is a time to look at myself
with all my flaws,
imperfections,
short-comings,
and to not be afraid
at what I see.

Here's where i'm brave
And I see myself for who I was.
This is where I am honest.
This is where
my mortality is showing. 

Who was I back then?
Who was this girl
who decided to be baptized?
Did she know what she was doing?
How did this decision affect my life?
But really, 
today,
it's about who I was.

Who was I back then?
Well,
It's quite simple really.
I was 
a real jerk.

Yes, that's right.
I was a jerk.
A sarcastic,
rude, 
inconsiderate,
unsympathetic,
jerk.

The friends I have now
who did not know me then
will usually laugh at me
when I describe myself
from back then. 
They say, 
"There's no way"
and
"That's not even possible"
But I know who I was
and I know what I was.
I was a jerk. 

You don't have to believe me
for me to know that it's there.
It's there.
I know that it's true.
I know that I was unfeeling.
I know how rude I was.
I know
because I remember.

I remember times when friends would turn to me
and I would not even care.
I remember saying such hurtful,
hard,
and unkind things
in the name of a joke.

I would give examples
but I don't need to prove it.
People who knew me
and who were my friends
probably didn't feel like they had a friend.
Because that's not what I was.
And that's not how I thought of them. 
They were my punching bag.
They were a bother.
They weren't there for me 
Because I wasn't there for them. 

I know who I was.
I was a jerk.
And I know that I was
because I lost them all.
Yes.
I Lost my friends. 
Every single one. 

I remember the day
I realized my best friend
was not my friend anymore.
I found out at school
sometime after lunch
and let me tell you,
I was devastated. 
I could not even sit up. 
All I could do was sob
and cry.
And I cried. 

I called my parents
to pick me up
and I couldn't even talk to them
about why I was so upset. 
They saw I was crying
and they took me home. 
I cried at school.
I cried all the way home.
I cried for another twenty min
before I could say a word. 
They just stood next to me
and waited. 
And waited.
Finally, I told them. 
I had lost my friend.
And I didn't know why. 
My mom held me
and I cried. 

Now, it was hard to lose my friends
and it was devastating to lose my best friend
but until I became an adult, 
I had no idea why.
Why did I lose my friends?
Not knowing why was the hardest to deal with.
How do you ask for forgiveness
when you don't know what you did?
How do you fix yourself 
and make sure you won't hurt the people around you
but you have no idea
what you did to hurt them?
Where do you go?
What do you do?

I'll tell you what I did.
I was alone
So I stayed that way.
I don't really know if I stayed that way
because people left me
or if it was because
I was afraid I would hurt anyone new. 
I think it was probably both. 

I was terrified
of who I had become. 
I was also terrified
that I would stay alone forever.
Paralyzed because I couldn't be a friend.
I didn't know how to be a friend. 
I didn't deserve to have friends
because I wasn't one. 

It was a incredibly lonely part of my life. 
And I will never
ever
forget it. 

Looking back as an adult,
I can see why. 
I know now why my friends left me. 
They didn't leave because I was baptized.
They didn't leave because I was changing. 
They left because I was the same.
They left because I was the same thoughtless,
rude,
terrible person
who was supposedly trying to be better
but treated them exactly the same.
Like a jerk.  

I'm writing this part of my life
because it was incredibly painful. 
Being rejected
and having no understanding why.
Being alone
and really wondering 
if  I would ever deserve friends.
Let me tell you something. 
Everyone deserves friends
but you need to be a friend
to keep your friends. 
It just takes one friend
who reaches past your doubts,
fears,
rejection
to bring out that hope. 

All things can be turned to good
if you turn to Heavenly Father.
This devastating part of my life
became the most instructive,
humbling,
and necessary trial
I have ever gone through. 
And it's all because
I was able to meet
the dearest, kindest friend I've ever had. 
And this friend changed my life. 

An Outline of My Story

I'm coming up on my 10 year anniversary
with myself.
On August 29th, 2004, 
I was baptized a member of
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
I became one of those.
I became a Mormon. 

I've been reflecting a lot on that decision
and every aspect it has effected in my life 
since that one choice was made.
I think about why I did it.
I think about what I've gained.
Sometimes I think about what i've given up.
I'm reflecting on my life
because sometimes I feel the need to take inventory.
I think this is a time
where I am supposed to reflect on who I am,
where I have been,
and where I am going.

This is a time to look at myself
with all my flaws,
imperfections,
short-comings,
and to not be afraid
at what I see.

Where did it start?

These are just my thoughts
and there's no particular order within my mind
because that's not the way my mind works.
For the sake of avoiding confusion,
these ideas will be somewhat chronological.

One of the choices I made 
that is curious to some
and sometimes even to me
is the choice to be baptized.
I was 14 years old at the time
and a freshman in high school.
I was not at all religious.
My family was not at all religious.
I was pretty happy with my life.
So, what changed?

There was a friend in high school
who told me I needed to "Be saved".
As you can imagine, 
I was pretty angry.
I felt judged,
hurt,
thrown-off,
and then confused.
I had a lot of questions.
Why?
Why would they judge me?
What makes them think they know me?
Why would they say that at all?
...
What does that even mean?
To "Be saved"?

I didn't know what to think

And then something weird happened.
Something started to pull me.
And it would not go away.
After I was done being angry,
and trust me, that took some time,
the questions started to pull me.
The questions I had wouldn't go away.
What did it even mean?
To "Be saved"?

If you remember, my family wasn't religious,
So I had to figure out where to go
to ask my questions.

I had a few religious friends
and I knew they went to church each week.
I decided to ask them.

The questions were asked purely out of curiosity
because I had already decided for myself
that I wasn't going to get involved in any religion.

I am an incredibly Strong-willed (read "Stubborn") person.
I would never put myself out there
and become committed to anything
unless I could give one-thousand percent. 
Actually, my whole family is like that.
We are pretty laid back people
but when we decide to commit to something,
anything,
or anyone,
we are incredibly loyal.
We will give a thousand percent
and become wholeheartedly,
and forever commited. 

This is why I would never be a part
of any one religion.
If I didn't agree with it,
and I mean all of it,
every aspect,
principle,
doctrine,
I wouldn't commit to it. 
Why would I waste my time
on something I didn't fully agree with?

So,
I went to my friends.
I asked my questions
and got some answers.
Some, I agreed with
and some I did not.
But you know what was interesting?
I never felt pressured to agree.
With any of my friends I talked to,
Catholic, 
Protestant, 
Christian,
they just shared what they thought. 
They answered my questions
and didn't take offense when I didn't agree.
We just talked about it.
I'm not sure if that would happen as easily today.
There's a lot of pressure to conform to
many, many opinions.
This wasn't that.
This was really open.
And I liked that.

I had a friend ask if I wanted to talk to some missionaries.
I said, "Sure!"
because I had no idea what those were
but she told me they could answer my questions.
She even offered to all meet at her house
so I wouldn't have to meet them by myself.

My process of inputting information
worked sort of like this
When I would listen to answers to my questions, 
my brain would answer,
"Yes. Yes. Sort of. Eh, don't agree. No. No way! Maybe, yes..."
I would look for the "No's" in my mind.
I would sit and wait until a No popped up.

When I met these missionaries,
I was pretty confused
Not because what they said was confusing
but my mind was going like this, 
"Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes...Yes. Really, yes again? Where's No? Is that...Yes? Again YES?! Wow"
I listened that first night
and then the next time
and the next
and I always came across yes.
I don't know how these guys did it
but somehow, I couldn't find anything
that was out of line with my thinking. 
Somehow,
these Mormons,
they fit.

After I saw this pattern,
I decided to keep going.
I kept meeting with the misisonaries
and asking questions.
With every question,
every scripture we read,
from The Bible 
and The Book of Mormon,
I just kept thinking "Yes".
It was almost a feeling of being familiar
and it never went away.

My parents were supportive
and told me they used to go to the Mormon church
a long time ago
So they were familiar with what I was being taught.
I kept them up-to-date on what I was thinking
and my intentions.

When I asked my mom if I could be baptized,
She said I could under one condition.
I had to read The Book of Mormon.
The whole book.
So I did.
I started reading in July
and was baptized in August.

I'm writing this
so I can take inventory
and keep track of where I am.
I figured where it all started
is a good place to begin.

I am far from becoming who I want 
or who I am meant to be
but, more than anything else,
I am happy. 

This is my life
and I am grateful.
I found something
that is right for me.