Buying our house

It has been a long while since I have written here.
I certainly have things to share but little time to record.
I've been taking online classes and trying to forge a path through life.
Since November 2015, we've moved from another city, bought our first home, my husband switched jobs, I've earned 28 school credits, got pregnant and lost a baby, tried to raise our kids, all while trying to make dinner, tackle laundry and dishes, and try not to go crazy.
That last step is a pretty crucial one that gets left out sometimes from the daily "to-dos".

Well, in the midst of all of these things which I will certainly address in another post another day,
I want to tell you about our house.
This is important for a few reasons.
First, moving into our home was our 7th move in almost 8 years of marriage.
That's a lot of moving and a lot of packing.
I would say I've packed at least 1000 boxes in my life.
Second, it was really hard to find a home.
For months, our full price offers were outbid or there was always a cash offer on the table.
It was becoming a really frustrating and unappealing part of our life.
Finally, once we got a home, we definitely weren't crazy about it.
But that was okay.
As long as it had 3 bedrooms and a backyard, we were good.
We REALLY learned to not be so picky.
Actually, we were okay from the beginning not being so picky.
We can make do.
And anyone who has had a family of 5 in a two bedroom apartment with no laundry, no dishwasher and no AC with rent that cost more than double what you've ever paid before
Learns to be okay with ANYTHING that they can call their own.

We feel very grateful for our home.
We are relieved to have something that is ours.
I'm VERY happy we could paint some walls!
And there were many things not on our list that we ended up with.
We got a master bathroom, walk in closet, and a garage!
(Garages were pretty uncommon in our price range)

Once we moved in, we were feeling good.
And housepoor.
Our savings were wiped out and I think we had maybe $700 in our bank account left over.
We had some furniture but not a lot.
Beds for us and a love seat and a kitchen table with folding chairs.
I remember thinking how we didn't have a washer and dryer.
And a family of 5 accumulates some laundry if you didn't know.
But my parents lived in the same town and they were kind enough to share.
I remember saying a prayer one night and saying something like
"We don't have a washer and dryer. It would be really nice if we did. But thank you for having my parents so close by. Please bless that we can save enough to get a used set at some point and that we can know what would be best for us".

Not a week later, someone knocks on our door.
I answer it and it's our next door neighbor.
Her name was Lynda and this was our first time meeting.
She said "Hi! I live next door to you. I dont normally knock on neighbors doors but I saw you moving in last week. I was wondering if you needed a washer and dryer? I'm giving mine away and they aren't new but I thought if you didn't have any, you could use them until you could buy something nice."

I was absolutely stunned.
I told her, probably quite surprisingly, "You know, we do need a washer and dryer. We don't have a set and we were just going to go to my moms house until we could buy some. You are exactly who we needed to meet. We would LOVE them!"
She then asked if we needed anything like dressers and asked me if I wanted to take a look.
She had just sold her home and had some extra furniture she was trying to figure out what to do with.
So we ended up with a large dresser, a vanity, a love seat and a washer and dryer.

I shared with Lynda how I had just prayed about a washer and dryer.
I told her she was an answer to my prayer.
She was so kind to us. One of the nicest neighbors we've ever had.
She also gave us some flower pots and plants she couldn't take with her.

To this day, I can't believe she knocked on our door.
But then again, I can.
This is not the first time we have prayed for something and someone happens to be giving one away or knocks on our door or we find it super cheap at a thrift store.
When I walk around our home, I see that almost all of our furniture were gifts from other people.
It may not seem like much
But for us who have struggled to make ends meet
And drained our savings to pay our rent
And relied on the church for food for our family
And who budget and scrimp to get by,
it means a great deal.
I feel thankful each day for those people.
There are many angel friends and family members of our life.
And when I walk around our home, I am reminded of their kindness
Because without them, we wouldn't be where we are.

Back in 2004

12 years ago, I was baptized
into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

I think back on being 14 years old,
meeting with the missionaries
and I think, “What 14-year-old finds God?”
Well, I’m sure many do.
Some kids probably even find Him sooner.
I’m just special I guess.

I think about the lessons with the Missionaries
and when they told me certain stories,
like the story of a boy named Joseph Smith
who was 14 years old and saw Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ.  
They would pause to wait for me to question the events
and I would just sit and wait for them to tell me the rest of the story
because I already knew it was true.

I think back on my baptism day
when I was told it would be very cold
because the hot water wasn’t working
And when I stepped into the water, it was warm.
The Sisters in the ward had boiled dozens of pots of water
so I wouldn’t be cold.

I think back about certain trials and heartaches that happened after I was baptized.
I lost my best friend. I lost all my friends.
Specific members of my family criticized me for being a Mormon.
They were very mean about it and not shy about sharing their anger.
I felt like the other kids at church didn’t like me and I sat alone on Sundays.
I remember going to girls camp and feeling completely alone,
because I didn’t have any friends.
I didn’t have friends or parents to go with me, to help me adjust and feel okay.
It was just me.
It was just me and prayers.

Even though that time was difficult, I would never trade those trials away
because it brought me closer to the Savior.
I leaned on Him and drew near to Him
because I felt like there was no one else to help me.
I prayed often.
I had faith that He would help me feel better.
Maybe I wouldn’t have friends but I was satisfied with my choice
And I was sticking to it.

Those trials became easier to bear.
Yes, I lost my friends but I was patient and prayed for new ones.
Eventually, I made new friends that were supportive of me.
My family stopped being so mean about the church
and accepted that it was a part of my life.
The kids at church still didn’t like me.
Literally, they did not like me at all.
I was told later on, after we were friends,
that they thought I was some fake goody-too-shoes.
But I was just me. Once they learned that, they eventually accepted me.
And I didn’t have to sit alone anymore.
I remember going to girl’s camp and meeting one of the greatest friends of my life.
I still think fondly of her this day and try to stay in touch with her.
She’s a “reacher” or one who reaches out to touch and help others.
I want to be like her when I grow up.

Church would still feel lonely but I did make friends
who let me sit with them and their families.
When I went to college, I had roommates to go with
who became marvelous friends.
And then when I was married, I was so happy
because now I had a family to go with to church.
He had the same conviction and commitment to the Lord as I had.
I had someone who was happy to go,
Who felt grateful to have it in His life.
I needed someone motivated to do what he put his mind to.
Someone determined to do what was right.
I found that and so many more wonderful qualities in Caleb.

Now, we have three daughters and we go to church each Sunday.
In just over a year, my oldest will be baptized
and I feel so humbled that she can have this in her life
because it is the greatest gift I could possibly give to her and my children.
That gift is to be together forever as a family,
to learn about the Savior,
to do what is right.

Thank you friends who helped introduce me to the gospel.
Thank you Elders for teaching me the lessons.
Thank you parents for allowing me to be baptized.
Thank you mom for challenging me to read
The Book of Mormon before I was baptized.
It has become the pattern of my life to learn from it's teachings.
Thank you Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ for preparing the way for me.
The way you've given me has been difficult and incredibly beautiful.

I quit

I've been thinking for a while
that I should quit facebook.
Facebook is such a love/hate relationship.
I LOVE seeing my friends!
I HATE sifting through all the junk to get there.
I spend a lot of time on facebook.
and ever single time I get off the computer, I think "Man, what a waste of time".

I've read a few studies about how checking facebook leaves people feeling more depressed than before. Even though facebook is supposed to help us feel more connected to the people around us, it often causes the opposite to occur. We feel more isolated.

This makes sense because people typically post the happiest, best pictures of themselves and their families. If people post the real nitty gritty hard-times stuff, their friends may lose interest.
SO if i'm only seeing someone's very best and i'm comparing it to the harsh, honest life I live,
I tend to feel like crap.

I also noticed something about myself.
I didn't care about who was liking or responding to my posts.
I cared about how many people did.
I didn't like that.
When I think of my friends, I want to think of the people I want to talk to or hang out with or get some lunch with.
I don't imagine all 400 facebook friends are my friends.
I imagine most as acquaintances and a few good friends.
If I really want to connect with my good friends, surely there's a better way than facebook.

And there is.
It's called a phone.
It's called email.
It's called a Christmas card.
Even TEXTING a friend feels more connected.
Because it's one-on-one.

My last post on facebook was about how I was deleting it. Here's some of what I said:

"The older my kids get, the more I realize I sure waste a lot of time. And I love all you great people but I don't care for all the forwarded stuff. The videos, recipes, "type amen" stuff, people who DESTROYED THIS OTHER PERSON WITH A COMEBACK. I really don't care. It's sucking away my time. There's so much good stuff that is getting in the way of the great stuff that I love."

The best part about deleting facebook was probably the replies I got about it.
People's comments just solidified the decision I had made.
People said things like, "Good for you! Amen! I don't even like facebook".

So if we all feel this way, why are we still on facebook?
Not me. I need to get it out of my life.

It's been 1 day since I deleted it.
And I've noticed an immediate change.
I already feel better.

I feel like...this forces me to work on my friendships.
Maybe others wouldn't like this feeling.
But if the only way to talk to my friends is to talk with them individually, then it forces me to really think about how i'm spending my time. Who do I WANT to talk to? WHEN can I find a time to do that?

Even if this experiment means I end up with like 5 good friends, maybe that's enough for me.
Maybe i'll be happier spending time with a few good people instead of watching another video about a dessert recipe.
Or reading different articles about the election.
Or how vaccines are actually terrible (Which is utterly bogus. They are incredible).

In the end, this is what it comes down to:
I'm trading facebook for fewer, better friendships.
I hope the experiment works.

Make me Whole

When I became a mother, I thought my life would feel...complete.Or it would feel more fulfilling.
I'm not sure why I expected this
but I had always assumed that becoming a mother would leave me feeling whole.

And I could not have been more wrong.


I love my children.
They are wonderful! Great kids who try their best.
They try to be kind. They are friendly. They are hard workers!
I am constantly impressed and amazed by them!
And I am constantly heartbroken.
Not as much by their actions but by my reactions.
When I yell at them or scold them or misunderstand them, I am sad.
I am not as patient, or as loving and kind as I thought I would be.
And I'm disappointed in me.

Honestly, I feel like i'm doing my best.
But mom-guilt kicks in
and it's the very worst feeling to me.
"You're too mean. You're not reading enough. You aren't feeding them healthy things. Tv shows? Really?
You are ruining them. You are messing up everything!"

When I think these things, I feel shame.
Shame.
I didn't know motherhood would feel like this.
What was I even thinking becoming a mother to these children?
They like me but they don't even REALIZE how much I am messing them up.
Someday, they'll know and then they won't like me.
They'll know how weak I am.
And how much I haven't done.

When these thoughts and feelings come, they are almost impossible to put off.
It's really hard to tell your own thoughts and feelings that they are wrong.
And what you are thinking is stupid
and to get out of your heart because you are trying your best.
And dangit, if i'm doing my best, then that's all I can do.

I can only do what I can.

My perspective is changing.
When I think these crummy things, I just tell myself, "You know, that's dumb. I'm doing my best"
I never even realized how powerful this message was until I went back to school.
That's a long story but the rundown is this:
i'm working on my bachelors through the online program at BYUIdaho.
And honestly, I was not even a little excited to start.
In fact, I hated the whole thing.
I resented to whole situation.
I was basically dragged by Heavenly Father kicking and screaming to school.
I told myself I couldn't do it.
I can't.
I'm wasting my time.
I'm trading this time with my kids.
And many other reservations were on my mind.

But because Heavenly Father told me to do it, I started to do it.
I wasn't happy but I prayed for the faith to work hard and prioritize my life.
You know what concerned me the most?
I was most afraid of that dumb voice telling me I was a crappy mom.
I told myself, "I'm already a crappy mom. If you go to school, you'll be WAY worse! You are going to be too impatient with your kids! What about them? You don't give enough already. You are going to feel run down and fail. You are trading being a mom with being a student. Is it really THAT important? You are ruining your life".

You know what? Being in school has taught me immensely about my parenting.
First of all, my time is more precious.
I only have so much time and energy in the day for my kids.
So I try to make it count.
If that means we are sitting together while I read articles for school and they are watching Octonauts,
at least i'm here. At least i'm trying.
Second, I am cutting myself some slack.
I am honest to heaven doing my VERY best!
So when that voice comes and says i'm crummy,
I tell it to get out of my life because i've got kids to feed and homework to do.
Third, my classes are changing my perspective of my family.

My degree is for Marriage and Family. And I love it.
I wanted to barf when I first thought about doing this degree in this specific field
but NOW, I know it is absolutely right for me.

I'm learning to love my kids and spend better time with them.
Being aware of them and mentally present when they talk to me.
I look forward to the conversations instead of dreading the interruptions.
I'm learning to ask for help. 
My husband has been helping me constantly.
The kids are enjoying having more dad time and I think he likes it too!
I'm learning that my kids are kids and that they are going to struggle.
I've been having some problems with one of my kids
and I haven't really enjoyed being their mom lately.
My classes have really humbled me and helped me to see that she is learning and she is growing.
I'm learning more patience and kindness with her.
With all my kids, I'm learning but it's especially helping with this daughter.

I thought I needed to sacrifice myself to my kids to be a great mother,
at the expense of my own self and individual worth.
In the end, becoming a mother didn't teach me how to feel whole.
I needed to learn that elsewhere.
I needed to learn how to shut down those self doubts.
I needed to seek for my own understanding.
I needed to learn how to be brave and voice my own opinion without fear of rejection or resentment.
I don't mind if people agree with me anymore.
I just need to be authentic with myself and where I am.
That's how I feel complete.
When I DO feel whole, i'm a better mother and wife.
But it doesn't come from those roles. It comes from me.

"Can ye feel so now?"

I started this blog to document my thoughts after 10 years of being a member
of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.
Last year, 2014, was my 10 year anniversary.
Each year, in August, I reflect on what I’ve learned and felt.
It has been the most rewarding time of my life, these first 10 years.
But then something happened.
My 11^th year was different.

I felt like my first 10 years of being a Latter-Day Saint have been incredible.
I’ve learned, seen, experienced, and enjoyed so much!
This past year was not like that.
It was almost like…a famine.
I went from feeling this incredible sense of purpose and love for the gospel of Jesus Christ
to nothing.

Nothing.

My habits were the same,
my heart was the same,
my thinking was the same or similar to the past.

But I felt nothing.

What happened?
Was I different? Was it the gospel? Was it my life?
Not really.
I just felt really empty.

Let me back up a second:
What should I be feeling instead of nothing?
What fills the emptiness?

Alright, stay with me while I do my best to break this down.
I’m missing a certain…sense.
I’m missing the feeling(s) that come from the Spirit.
The Holy Ghost.
“What does the Holy Ghost feel like?”
I’m glad you asked!
Let me explain how I personally feel it (it can be felt in many ways)

I have a great sense of love.
I feel that love for others and I also feel it for myself.
I feel a desire or an urgency to do good.
I feel comfort.
I feel peace.
I actually feel a sense of hunger for these good feelings.
I feel an urgency for more.
More loved, more peaceful, more goodness!

So, I have felt ALL of these things before.
Sometimes, simultaneously.
“Well, how do you get these great, fulfilling feelings?”
Another great question!

This is how I typically feel these things:
Through Praying.
Reading Scriptures.
Helping someone in need.
Spending time with my family.
Studying the inspired words of leaders.
A HUGE one for me is through music.
Righteous music touches my heart in a way that almost pierces me.
This is one of the most reliable, easily accessible ways for me to feel the Holy Ghost.

I have continued to do ALL of these things.
I would pray and read scriptures almost daily.
I studied the words of church leaders and the Prophet constantly.
I was reaching out and serving others as best as possible!
I would sing or listen to hymns while I did the dishes or cleaning the house.
I was seeking out goodness all around me.
I was doing it.
And I was empty.
Where was the peace?
Where did it go?
It was just here
and now, it’s nowhere. I can’t find it.

I know I’ve felt it.
I’ve been promised by Heavenly Father through being baptized
that I can “always have the spirit to be with me”.
I was keeping up my end of the bargain.
I was keeping the commandments and trying to be good.
Where is the Spirit? Where is he?
I’m doing ALL these things to feel his presence.
And he isn’t there.
I feel nothingness in a space that was once filled,
overflowing with love, peace, gratitude, goodness.
I was still doing goodness but didn’t feel good.
I felt nothing.

Well, things change.
They always do.

The first Sunday of each month is our “Testimony Meeting”.
This is where the local leaders open up the first hour of church to those in the congregation to come and share some of their beliefs or what they know to be true
about the gospel of Jesus Christ.
You stand up, walk to the pulpit, introduce yourself and say
“I’d like to bear my testimony that I believe/know such and such”

This last testimony meeting, I felt something.
I felt compelled to go and share my testimony.
What I knew to be true.
I’ve shared my testimony before and I often feel those same Spiritual feelings when I do it.
The love, peace, comfort
But I hadn’t felt anything spiritual in a while.
For an entire year!
What could I possibly say to my Brothers and Sisters
about what I knew to be true?
I didn’t feel anything.
What did I know?
What did I believe right in that moment the Spirit said, “Stand”?

Let me tell you, I didn’t know what I was going to say.
But I got up, walked to the pulpit, lowered the microphone, and began to speak.
Here is a rundown of what I shared in that meeting.
I don’t remember perfectly but I’ll do my best.

“11 years ago, I was baptized a member of the church. Around this time of year, I like to reflect on my baptism. The first ten years have been amazing. I have learned so much about Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ and their love for us. I have had the companionship of the Holy Ghost. I love having the Holy Ghost. I have been strengthened, comforted and learned so much! I couldn’t get enough of the gospel!  It has been a truly incredible 10 years of my life.

This past year, my eleventh year, has been really different for me. I’m still reading my scriptures and saying my prayers but I haven’t felt the Holy Ghost. Something that came so easily to me I have felt only a few times this entire year. I have to say, I’m really struggling with this. I’m doing all the right things but I don’t feel the Spirit. It has been really hard.

So, I’ve had to rely on what I already know. I know that Jesus Christ is our Savior. I know that The Book of Mormon is the word of God. I know that even though this year has been hard for me, I pray and know that it will get better. But right now, Heavenly Father is trying to teach me to appreciate what I know. He wants to show me what it’s like not having the Spirit so I can truly hunger and seek to have it with me always. I know that this is the gospel of Jesus Christ and that it will get better. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen."

I was surprised and humbled
because these were not things I had ever thought of before.
When I stood up and shared what I did know, Heavenly Father taught me something.
He taught me that the purpose to this “spiritual famine”
was so I could truly prize the tender feelings of the Spirit.
That I wouldn’t treat them so casually.
These feelings are loving, peaceful, humbling, inspiring and good.

Since I got up that day, it has been better for me.
I have felt the Holy Ghost in my life more.
And I feel such peace and comfort when it is with me.
It is dear to me.
It is precious to me.
I don’t think I will ever take for granted this sacred gift.

There is a scripture I thought of often this year in Alma 5:22 that says,

“If ye have experienced a change of heart, and if ye have felt to sing the song of redeeming love, I would ask, can ye feel so now?”

Can ye feel so now?
I will never forget what I felt this year
and I will never forget this sacred gift and experience.  

Everyone has stuff

Everyone has their stuff.
I say this often because it’s true.
Every single person you or I encounter has stuff.
I don’t mean physical stuff.
I mean stuff.
Stuff they have to deal with or face.
Sorrow, hurts, past mistakes, misconceptions, judgments, negativity, disappointments.
This is the stuff of which I speak.

Look around you or check out facebook.
You are only seeing a glimpse of someone’s life.
Every person you see and know (or think you know) has something they are dealing with.
Maybe it’s a strained relationship with a sibling.
Maybe they struggle with self-doubt among friends.
Maybe it’s something they can’t see.
But we all have it. We all have stuff.

Under the risk of having my mortality show, here is an example of my stuff.
I feel alone.
We all feel lonely at times and feel left out, like an outsider.
This isn’t really what I’m talking about.
I feel lonely.
This loneliness can be attributed to many things.
I have struggled with depression.
I have survived relationships of all shapes and sizes.
I agonize and hang onto moments of shame.
There’s a word for you.
Shame.
I think that’s where my loneliness comes from.

Let me try to explain this cycle of loneliness.
I try to reach out, but that leaves me vulnerable.
When I do reach out, I feel awkward and I don’t feel like myself.
If I get past the initial “reaching out”, I am afraid to share what I really think and feel.
I am in the habit of not sharing what I feel.
If I share what I feel, I am burdening someone with those feelings.
It’s easier to be accepted if you don’t burden someone.
And people like you more if they get something from you instead of leaning on them.
This isn’t the ways it’s supposed to be
but that’s what it often feels like for me.
I do have friends and I try to help them out.
but when i'm stuck in this cycle, it’s a sad, lonely place to be.
because I will never talk myself into letting someone help me with my load.
I can think of a hundred reasons why I should help others
but when it comes to my own needs, I am left silent.

It is risky to share your feelings.
They are incredibly personal.
They are often hard and sad.

My husband and I are going through a lot.
I am surprised and humbled by how many people inquire after us.
They sense something or feel we are heavy and tired.
They ask, “So how is it going? Really?”
Even when they ask, it’s hard to put into words.
As I try to explain all of the stuff, I instantly explain it away.
“It’ll be okay. We’re fine”.
I’m trying to convince them and myself that it’s really going to be fine.
Truth is, I honestly don’t know.

I could tell you all the details but this isn’t really the time or place.
I guess the reason I’m writing all of this is to say
things are hard.
Not just for me.
For many, many people,
Life gets hard.
Sure, the platitudes of “It’ll all be okay” are nice
but they don’t ring true right now.
What I really need
and what we all sometimes need
is to just sit down with that person and listen.
Cry with them if they are crying.
Don’t be so quick to explain it away.
“Maybe there’s a plan or purpose to all of this”.
I understand the logic but my heart can’t hear you.
It’s too heavy.
Mourn with those that mourn.
Listen to those who need to be heard.

When you go through certain trials, the tendency is to seek solitude within yourself.
I will think, “This is so hard. I can’t possibly share this with anyone else.
They will feel burdened. They won’t understand”
In these times, I’m reminded of these words by David A. Bednar.
“In a moment of weakness we may cry out, “No one knows what it is like. No one understands.” But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He has felt and borne our individual burdens.”

There will come a time when I won’t feel weighed down by all of this stuff.
It’s okay to be patient with yourself
and give yourself some time to mourn.
Allow yourself to process the loss, pain, burden you are feeling.
When you have felt it all and have nothing left to feel,
then you can turn to the Savior and say,
“Please help me. Teach me. What am I to learn?”
Until then, give yourself some credit.
Your time will come when you feel light again.